Mad Science – Issue 5

 
 

The evolution of bitchiness, a peanut butter Alzheimer’s test and classifying personality based on geography. Fionnán Long asks what the hell is going on with science lately?

Bitches be clever

In a discovery that may rattle gender equality enthusiasts, a paper published by the Royal Society has concluded that women have evolved to be “bitches.” With riveting scientific prose, the royal researchers reported that aggressive females favour “low-risk competitive strategies.” Translation: Bitching is favoured. This discovery is likely to boost the self-esteem of rejected drunkards across the country.

Smell ya Later

Consider this riddle: What can be done with a ruler, peanut butter and an elderly nostril? At the thought of this question, imaginative readers may have developed rather disturbing ideas and ambitions. Fortunately, Jennifer Stamps and Professor Kenneth Heilman of the University of Florida are not as twisted as you. In fact, they’re quite clever. They have developed an improvised early test for indicating the presence of Alzheimer’s disease.

By measuring the distance at which a person is unable to smell peanut butter, the condition of the first cranial nerve can be established. The failing of the cranial nerve is an early marker of Alzheimer’s. This author hopes that unethical doctors will be creative when they run out of peanut butter. A vulnerable geriatric nostril is too much fun to pass up.

Illustration by Rory Mullen

50 States of Grey

You can now blame your defective personality on geography. New research has broken down a map of the US based on personality types. Surprisingly, the Tea Party’s only misfortune is that they happen to come from Texas; politely described as “temperamental and uninhibited.” This translates into a certain subset of Texans hating marriage equality and LGBT* rights.

The other two regions that can have their personality classed based on location are centred in California who were shown to be“creative” and the Great Plains, whose personality can be wholly described as ”friendly.” Findings for Ireland are yet to be published, but one suspects that similar research carried out in this country would find it very easy to tar us all with the same personality brush.

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