This week on X-Factor something happened that has happened regularly on the show this year: nothing much happened. Yes, the lack of eventful happenings is actually an event in itself as this show rapidly becomes the most unwatched thing on TV.
When a programme about Z list celebrities wearing diamanté leotards learning how to ballroom dance begins to beat you in ratings, you know something is going drastically wrong. And in the case of X-Factor it seems that not just one thing is going wrong, everything is going wrong.
Last year Gary Barlow emerged as Britain’s new national sweetheart. He has enjoyed a year of being the queen’s favourite, and certainly cashed in. This year, however, his true self has immerged in all its smug, boring glory. Tulisa, it seems, has decided to stay quite this season, keeping her mouth firmly shut the majority of the time, probably to leave room for other things (insert oral sex joke here). Nicole has taken the opposite approach and has decided to talk as much as possible, which is fine because no one can understand her anyway due to the sheer amount of sassy nonsense that escapes her perfect face. Louis Walsh provides the only glimmer of entertainment in a ‘laugh and throw things at the village idiot’ manner. I’d prefer to watch Tulisa perform oral sex, to be quite honest.
But this isn’t about the judges, it’s a singing competition. Well actually it’s not, according to Tulisa who saved the tone deaf Rylan last week after claiming “This isn’t just a singing competition.” I am glad she cleared that up for me because I have been under the impression for years that the X-Factor was about singing. Since it isn’t maybe the contestants could take advantage of this new found freedom in the show. Maybe next week they could perform some monologues, show us a bit of live carpentry, someone could saw Rylan in half, literally.
The theme this week was Best of The British, which along with ‘Number Ones’ and ‘Heros’ tops the poll for most vague X-Factor theme ever. Why not just tell them to sing what they like and be done with it? There was also a performance from One Direction. The poor boys are being thrown from one X-Factor to another like the Simon Cowell puppets that they are, saving the shows declining ratings falling hard on to their pubescent shoulders. Just a few days ago they were on the Australian version for the second time this series, and are mentioned on the US show every second sentence. Instead of The X-Factor they should rename it ‘Try to become the next One Direction, but ultimately fail because we don’t need a new One Direction, cause we already have the old one and it’s still making money’ or something along those lines but catchier.
Speaking of One Direction, it was a battle of the 1D clones last night as the two boy bands went against eachother to stay in the competition after both receiving the lowest number of votes. I think it was cruel of them to call it a battle as it gave the false hope that they were actually going to battle, the surviving band being allowed stay in the competition, possibly to fight One Direction next week. The two boy bands are practical identical except there’s four members in one and three in the other. It is very possible that three if not four of the members of Union J are homosexual. This apparently isn’t as obvious to their hoards of twitter loving fans who scream at them from the audience everytime they blink, or pretend to blink so as to disguise the fact that they are actually TopMan mannequins who have escaped the shop window and are now on the greatest journey of their rubber nippled lives (Mannequin the sequel, anyone?). The other band, the one with three members, are so babyfaced that sometimes when they are performing I am sure I am actually watching a nature programme in which baby deer get run over by tractors.
Union J were saved and the one with three members had to go home, or go sit outside the This Morning offices practicing their “We are just so grateful for the experience,” and “We’d just like to thank Louis for all the support and topless power hugs.” At least they’ll be closer to their mothers now, as I’m sure it was such a hassle to have to come into the studio all the time to breastfeed them.