The Badger

 
 

After growing tired of flicking between BBC One and Sky Sports News on his TV sett, The Badger takes time out of his busy schedule to write the words below

The Badger will be the first to admit that he has a tendency to complain about news from the sports world now and again. He has little to do with himself other than sit in with the kids and wife watching the television sett and considering the only channels we receive are BBC One and Sky Sports News, talking about sport is unavoidable for me.

The Badger loves his healthy dose of Gary Vinegar from the crisps ad and Chris Kamara, the chap who, unlike Spanish bulls, doesn’t see red cards. Between the adverts, The Badger seems to be forced to watch football more often than not.

He caught every glimpse of Ireland beating Kazakhstan in their final World Cup Qualifier, and although the campaign was relatively disappointing, the bright side is the fact that FIFA have just released their latest World Rankings. The good news is we are now in a wonderful 60th position, only 18 places behind the Cape Verde Islands and a mere five spots behind the mighty Uzbekistan.

So who will replace the mighty Trap in the hot seat? The Badger doesn’t know why they call it a hot seat, maybe because Steve Staunton farted on it out of nerves before every match when he was the gaffer. A tasteless joke, but hey, you’re reading a column by a Badger; an animal that doesn’t have thumbs. I’m pretty much the sporting equivilent of Malala Yousafzai; we’re both amazing at what we do.

Anyway, Noel King has the job on a temporary basis, and The Badger thinks appointing royalty in the role sets an excellent precedent. Although maybe appointing The King is aiming slightly too high, perhaps bringing in Joe Kinnear and his vast scouting networks that are keeping an eye on the local Cabaye and Chips shop.

There are two contenders who the bookies seem to be favouring at this early stage. Martin O’Neill is out of a job, and any manager who signs Emile Heskey for £3.5m surely knows what he’s doing. Mick McCarthy is the other being touted, but rumours are abound that Sesame Street are desperate to resign him to carry on the role of Bert.

The Badger has also heard that the International Rules have come and left, and the only question on his mind is, did the attendance crack double figures? Donegal man Jim McGuinness was mentioned as a possible manager, but his mind games with the referee to protect his players weren’t seen as suitable for the role. Never mind, he’d probably win the tests this year and flop miserably next year anyway.

The first test was played in Cavan, home of The Strypes and the road out of Cavan, and The Badger is wondering how they got the farmer to lend them the field for the night.

The Badger was eager to find out which ball they were playing with at this year’s tests, the round one or the egg-shaped thing. Unfortunately, when he tried to watch it, The Badger realised that he doesn’t actually care because it’s only the International Rules. Badger Out.

Advertisements