The Bagder: The Bourne Identity

 
 

Back on his game, the Badger details Arsenal’s mini rise, compares rugby to IKEA furniture and vents about his pet-hate sport: cricket

L’Arsenal’s new Bourne Identity

This is exactly what we don’t need. A four-year plan bearing fruit will only give Enda Kenny ideas. Arsène Wenger and those pesky young adults are finally coming to fruition and in the Badger’s opinion it’s about time.

French Frog in Chief, Wenger, has been promising for years that this bunch of “kids” would eventually form the basis for his Napoleon-esque all-conquering team. Since their last trophy, many of these “kids” have been discarded from the squad, but the crème de la crème have risen to the top.

Their convincing victory over Birmingham in the Carling Cup final is the end of a baron spell, trophy-wise, and the start of a new era for the North London club. A new dawn is upon the Gunners, they have the youngsters to maintain their second place position in the Premier League and maybe if Fabregas and Van Persie can stay fit, get together a run of form that could see them move into fourth or possibly even third.

First in sight for Arsenal should be their mouth-watering clash with Barcelona. That will be the true test of their intentions. Losing the ‘Arscelona’ tie will prove they are on course for that status-quo season where they cement their place amongst the other multiple runners up.

(At the time of going to print, the Carling Cup final between Arsenal and Wales was yet to kick off.)

The Badger’s supremacy

Oval ball discussion seemed to work a treat in the Badger’s last column, so why not keep the trend going? The Badger is going to rant again about the sport played by scumbags and watched by idiots by having a swipe at the very idiots that keep the oval ball rolling.

“Why are we idiots?” is the question that rugby fans everywhere are barking at the Badger like a pack of viscous dogs. Simple answer really. None of you actually know the rules to your own sport. So the Badger’s answer to your snarled question is ‘how can you watch a sport if you don’t know the basic mechanisms?’

In a way, it is a typically male thing to do. Men are generally assumed to be construction geniuses, but when was the last time a man used a set of instructions to make the IKEA chest of drawers? Never. So without having a clue how they actually assembled the piece of furniture, men have an end product.

Much like IKEA flat-packed goods, rugby teams usually triumph without actually having a notion of what they’re doing. Some will call the Badger ignorant for maligning rugby fans like this. They’ll say, “you don’t understand” and “you’re ignorant”, but as a very famous Badger once said:

“Ignorance is born out of a sense of self-righteousness and being 100 per cent correct about everything, all the time. So bugger off and shove your opinion, because I’m right.” – The Badger Snr.

Back to the topic at hand, rugby fans and players alike are idiots. They don’t know what happens in the scrum, they have no idea how what actually happens in a ruck and some can’t even fathom the notion of catching the ball.

So what’s the Badger’s summation? Switch to football. The concept is pretty simple to comprehend. Pass the ball to the non-English or British Isles player, let him run with the ball into the box, watch him dive and get another player to score the penalty. Simplez.

The Bourne Ultimatum…Cricket

Supposedly, somewhere in the world, a World Cup for cricket is taking place. Who knew? Even more surprising for the Badger is that Ireland are actually in it. What’s an even bigger surprise is that the Badger hates cricket.

Not like his reasoning for hating rugby, the Badger’s hate for cricket genuinely does stem from ignorance. It is a stupid sport that is so long-winded and exclusively stuck up its own rectum that even the players seem slightly embarrassed by what they’re doing. The Cricket World Cup is pretty much a gathering for all the Protestants that still reside in old Commonwealth countries to get together, laugh about famine and burn money while pretending to play a sport.

The exclusivity and mild racism of cricket is defined by the Irish team’s squad selection, which draws on players from the Irish province of South Africa. The Badger never knew that the Cape of Good Hope was actually in South Cork, but then again, most of our football players are from other countries – except Roy Keane, he actually is from South Cork.

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