The Badger goes to college

 
 

Like Mikael Blomkvist, except he’s a Badger, the Badger unearths the systematic mess that is UCD Sports

For far too long the Badger has kept his mouth shut about UCD sports and how much of a mess they are. First up on the Badger’s list, UCD Rugby.

A system so up its own bum that getting onto the team is purely an arm width contest. Admittedly though, head honcho John McClean does go around Ireland watching the respective Schools Senior and Junior Cup rugby from the four provinces to scout for genuine talent (the Badger has never quite worked out why he watches the Junior Cup).

McClean stands back, looks at young boys throwing around an oval ball with their hands that are attached to sculpted arms due to protein supplements, and pulls the ones he feels have potential aside for a quick chat.

“Listen here son, you could play for Ireland Under 20s or Connacht A someday. I can help you achieve that goal. Come with me to UCD and I’ll get 150 points shaved off that Arts Omnibus entry requirement. I’ll even get you free accommodation in Crunch fitness and if you’re ever left failing an exam, you just let McClean know.”

If the excessive muscle growth due to steroids hasn’t stimulated the epithelial layers of tissue to close over their ears, they might just barely work out what the honcho has to say, and they usually follow him to UCD pastures.

On a whole, the recruiting methods of UCD Rugby are working. Top of Division 2 and unbeaten in the league this season, they must be doing something right at the Belfield Bowl. Then again, they can scrape a victory out of nowhere against Ballynahinch on a blustery afternoon at the Bowl, but can they pass an exam on a suffocating afternoon in the RDS Industries Hall?

The Badger’s main gripe is that it’s one rule for them and a kick in the face for the rest of us. Why should their excessive arm width mean they get a leg up? The Badger has personally witnessed former UCD golden boy Fergus McFadden leave a UCD Christmas exam after 40 minutes so he could pop over to Leinster training across the way on the RDS pitch.

After this rant, the Badger can expect his pitiful self to be turfed out of college for blasphemy (or something like that) against Hugh Brady’s favourite Belfield toy. Adoration beamed through his eyes when he saw his team of babies in blue spanked 24 -41 by a Combined Universities side in a match that honoured 100 years of rugby at UCD. Of course caviar and champagne imported from the most southern part of South France was served up before the showcase event at Chez Brady (all being funded by your reg fee).

Alright so, the Badger may not have blown the lid off UCD rugby and revealed all the series of back handed payments or tours abroad paid for by Colonel Gaddafi (that’s actually true), but he has set the ball rolling. The Badger’s watching you, John McClean.

Letters to the Badger

For all those sending enquiries as to why the Badger is referred to in the male form, you are very naïve. Did you really expect girls to write about sports? Even if the Badger was a girl, he would still make reference to himself in the male form so that his opinions remained respected and not maligned. Pfft, women in sport. And don’t use Karen Brady as an example, an abundance of facial hair means she doesn’t count.

Note: Jealously was a principle agent behind the writing of this article.

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