The Badger: Becks is a Fish Stick Man

 
 

In a new weekly feature, the not-so-infamous Badger translates onto a page what his beady little eyes saw over the weekend on monochrome pixilated internet streams…

Before we take our in-depth, but brief, trip around the world, one ground rule must be stated. The Badger reserves the right not to write about Scottish football if he so chooses. This decision, if taken, is primarily because the Badger has a personal dislike of the Scottish league, which brews from pure ignorance, and he refuses to back down.

England
The Badger has never seen the likes of it. The single most ridiculous story that the football Gods have thrown down at us from their pad in the sky! Only by drawing words out of three assorted categories could this debacle have cropped up. Something like a football version of Countdown where they get a noun, football team and verb, and then have to construct an absurd outcome. In this case, the words ‘beach ball’, ‘Liverpool’ and ‘screw over’ popped up with hilarious consequences.

In the meantime, other rollicking events transpired at Villa Park as Carlo Ancelotti is showing all the signs of evolving into Scolari II. Maybe he should follow the Brazilian over to Uzbekistan or dress up as the World Cup winner for Halloween.

Spain
Taking a quick peek at the La Liga table, it is astounding to see Villarreal rooted to the bottom of the league with just three points. Champions League quarter finalists’ last term and semi finalists in 2006, the Yellow Submariners seem to have lost their way.

Similarly, the red and white eight of Madrid is floundering around the bottom of the table. Unable to turn their form on and off as they wish like last season, Atletico Madrid have gone wayward this year and are only one point off the relegation zone. They have looked excellent at times, especially in the Champions League qualifiers, but that was a long time ago now.

Ballon D’Or
Usual suspects will battle it out for the Ballon D’Or again this year, though in The Badger’s mind, twenty-eight of the shortlisted players need not even be nominated. It has been a dead heat for the 2009 Golden Ball since September last year. Either Messi or Ronaldo are going to win the award, with the teenage prodigy Ryan Giggs penciled in for third place.

If Ronaldo was to win the coveted prize again, he will join the exclusive club of players such as Kevin Keegan, Michel Platini, Marco van Basten and Johan Cruyff, all of whom were European Footballer of the year two years running. The Badger thinks that he should also mention, before someone hunts him down, that the plucky Michel actually won it three years in a row. Best not to agitate UEFA’s top dog, you never know what he might do. Re-seeding the World Cup draw so that Ireland have to beat Brazil, Italy and Spain within 24 hours? Don’t bet against it. Speaking of which…

International Football
‘Bring on France’ is the general feelings of Ireland supporters right now and the Badger couldn’t agree more. Some people are saying “Ah yeah, we’ll do ‘em over two legs”. Of course we will. Ireland will do France over six legs if you want. Though, before the Badger gets carried away, he best shut up before he starts giving Platini ideas.

Another tasty test is Bosnia against Portugal. The Badger quite fancies the former Yugoslavs to finally end Carlos Queiroz’s umpteenth attempt at managing in tears. With strikers like Dzeko, Ibisevic and Muslimovic at their disposal, the Portugeezers should be in for a test. Meanwhile, the other fixtures should be brutally tasty, with Russia facing Slovenia and Ukraine taking on Greece. The Badger’s TB-ridden mouth is salivating at the prospects.

Major League Soccer
Soccer is on an everlasting high on the other side of the Atlantic at the moment. After the USMNT qualified for the WC via CONCACAF WC Quee’s, the MLS finally gets underway again this WKND ASAP. Well, that’s is not entirely true.

Unlike any other respectable league that The Badger knows off, the MLS actually never stopped playing. Uniquely their league continues playing matches throughout the international break. But, without laying into our American cousins too much, The Badger is kind of getting enthusiastic about the ensuing eight team playoff which will decide the winner of the MLS Cup in late November.

At the moment, David Beck Ham’s team the LA Galactics Mactics, are considered as possible contenders for the Cup, while Houston Dynamo and Columbus Crew are other teams who The Badger will be tipping to push on towards the final.

becksfoodBadger Baits
Speaking of Beckham, it would be wrong to leave without mentioning about his highly unsuccessful venture into the microwaveable food market. As if having millions of Japanese girls buying assorted stationary with your face on it isn’t enough. Golden Balls himself has delved in a new entrepreneurial sector and seen a gap in the market.

Maybe these so called, ‘fishsticks’ will catch on? Though, £633 in sales last month says otherwise. Which probes the question, does Beckham just whore his image out for any price? Is he a gay fish? To end it all, the Badger isn’t a gay fish, he hates fishsticks.

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