The Badger

 
 

The Badger taught Derren Brown everything he knows, but recommended shaving off his silly beard thing

In a completely original idea, The Badger has decided to look into his crystal red beach ball, to map out the Scousers’ calendar up to the midpoint of the season:

21st November: Moneybags fly into town, and in a smash-and-grab movement will leave the Kop in shock.

24th November: You think it’s all over? It is now. While Harry Redknapp Jr sits in his chair preaching to Eng-er-land that “Ya know what, this Torres kid ain’t bad at all. I tell ya, he must’ve been watching Theo Walcott a bit”, Liverpool will be conceding goal after goal in the Puskás Ferenc Stadium. The Merseysiders will be out of the Amalgamated Platini Cup.

29th November: The derby that means so little to footballing folk outside the realms of Merseyside spawns more bad luck for the Pool. There is pride at stake, and Liverpool are bottlers. Result: draw.

30th November: Rafa clocks out, citing a “lost” dressing room as the prime reason for his departure. Kenny Dalglish steps in to fill the globular void.

9th December: They thought it was all over… it was back then, and still is. Liverpool fans flock to Florence thinking their side still has a chance of progressing through to the next round of European Cup. They will not be happy when they realise that the fixture is actually being played at Anfield, and that all pubs in the cultured city will be showing the Inter Milan crucial match against Rubin Kazan. Benitez, meanwhile, is still wandering around Anfield looking for the dressing room.

19th December: Christmas has come early for Manchester United fans as Portsmouth overtake Liverpool in the Premier League, though somehow Liverpool are still in with a shot of claiming the title should they win the rest of the league games 3-1.

2nd January: Liverpool draw English 34th Divison Sunday League side “Glasgow Celtic” in the 3rd Round of the FA Cup, and are beaten in a brutal encounter in the shock of the tournament. King Kenny’s position looks precarious.

10th January: A new look Liverpool will take on Spurs as the season meets its midpoint. New signings such as free-scoring centre forward Clinton Morrison and box-to-box-to-box midfielder Kevin Nolan do little to improve Liverpool’s form.

11th January: Morrison and Nolan are released after a clash of views with the management. Rumours spread that the two players wished to enjoy success and challenge for trophies, contrasting with Liverpool’s ambitions for failure.

Note: All above predictions state the worst-case scenario, which usually corresponds with Liverpool’s luck.

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We are just under two months away from football’s own January sales, and The Badger can let you in on some of the big deals taking place during the window.

Since the CAP (that’s the Court of Arbitration for Platini) overruled UEFA’s transfer ban on Chelski, expect the left-wing Londoners to stock up on players before another ban lands in their laps. Liverpool will also be on the lookout for a substandard, Spanish-speaking misfit to prance around moaning and unplayed for eighteen months. A hero’s return for Antonio Nunez?

Meanwhile, Manchester City will be continuing their usual hiring policy – “if Spurs want them, we’ll buy them” – to appease their opponents’ Premiership success, while Bandwagon United will pull off the real coup of the window by finally – seriously! – managing to offload Nani.

Unfortunately, Rangers’ mid-season bid to bring the formerly talismanic Christian Vieri to Ibrox will fail, as no bank will accept the cheque for his £200k signing-on fee.

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