The Badger

 
 

In this issue, eveyone’s favourite nocturnal woodland-dwelling sports critic, The Badger, discusses the enigma of loan signings before getting distracted by a group of wild WAGs

The Badger has always been curious when it comes to loan signings. Essentially, it sees a team ‘lend’ one of their players to another team because they’re too crap to play for their own team, but too good to sell outright.

So basically, it’s like a spouse sending their partner out on loan because they don’t fulfill the bedroom requirements, but not that bad enough that they want to get rid of them completely. However, the Badger sees a flaw in this reasoning. What if they enjoys their time away so much that they don’t want to ever come back home?

The Badger is clearly quite fond of his football/sex metaphors, but the underlying point is that loans aren’t always the answer. We all remember Manchester City’s Premier League title win in 2012 (who could forget?), but the Badger is sure no-one remembers City loan signing David Pizarro that year.

According to L’Oreal model, Roberto Mancini, the then 32-year-old Chilean was supposed to make a huge impact on City’s season and help them win the league. Long story short, he failed to make the ten appearances necessary to pick up his Premier League medal.

The Badger feels it is imperative to note, however, that not all loan deals go awry. Not many know that David Beckham played for Preston North End on loan in the 1994/95 season. Five games and two goals, including one direct from a corner kick, wasn’t a bad return in the Badger’s esteemed opinion.

The likes of Henrik Larsson at Manchester United, Romelu ‘Protein Shakes’ Lukaku at West Brom and Ivan Campo at Bolton Wanderers were also good acquisitions in recent years. Even our own Robbie Keane managed 16 goals in just 19 games for Celtic on loan in 2010. Despite only playing between January and May, he received the club’s Player of the Year award. The Badger feels this summarizes the quality of Scottish football eloquently.

The Badger has never been good at tying together subjects before, so now we are going to talk about Wives and Girlfriends (WAGS). The WAGons have really taken to football culture ever since Karl Fletcher first began the the trend for Harchester United back in the early 2000s.

Don’t get the Badger wrong, it is a scientifically proven Uber Fact that WAGs now form the crucial backbone of football. If they were to hypotetically disappear, football would probably collapse in on itself and somehow ITV would end up owning the broadcasting rights again, and we all know how that worked out.

The Badger will stick to his regular advice for footballers. Be unattractive and you will be a good at football because WAGs will ignore you. E.g. Carlos Tevez… and…  The Badger may not have any other examples, or a cohesive argument for that point.

Badger out.

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