The Badger

 
 

The Badger hunts his latest prey: John Terry

The Badger, being both black and white, is race neutral. You’d think this would make him immune to racism, but in fact he has the worst of both worlds. Not only does the Badger have to put up with disgusting stereotypes and names born from hundreds of years of oppression, but he also has to accept that he has absolutely no rhythm. So the Badger knows all about dealing with discrimination, whether from angry farmers or in the world of sports journalism, where badgers are outcasts.

Now the Badger hates many things: any tries scored by Chris Ashton, Jamie Redknapp’s use of the word ‘literally’, Rafael Nadal’s t-shirt collection, but racism is right at the top of the list. Joining it are footballers with ridiculous public lives and average players who are considered world class simply because they’re English.

You may have guessed by now that the Badger doesn’t particularly like John Terry. It’s a hatred that has simmered for years, one which cooled during his banana skin moment in Moscow, only to boil over again in the last two years.

When the Badger heard about the extramarital affair with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend, he finally had a reason to lambast the world’s slowest defender for something more than his blown-up head. Then the Badger heard about the gagging order; what he thought was just kinky foreplay with Bridge’s girlfriend turned out to be a court injunction to silence the media.

Thankfully for the Badger, £150,000 a week can’t buy you privacy anymore, and the story leaked through every facet of social networks and eventually through the mainstream media. After more accusations were hurdled against Terry, this time of racism, the Badger has found yet more reasons to hate JT.

The Badger is of the “guilty until proven innocent” mind, especially when it comes to Terry. His exchange with Anton Ferdinand is similar to an incident between Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra two weeks ago, but unlike the Suarez-Evra incident, there is video footage of the abuse, and unlike watching an episode of Gilmore Girls, it’s easy to read lips in this case.

So how can Terry wriggle his way out of this one? Would he follow in the paw prints of the Badger and be a man’s man? No, he’d deny it of course. Terry claims he only said these words in order to deny using such language. The Badger can’t help but think of OJ Simpson.

Despite everything, the Badger does have a small grain of respect for Terry, for never has a man with the footballing ability of a drunken rhinoceros risen so high. Despite the tomcatting, despite the alleged racism, despite the complete inability to do anything with a football apart from head it, the man who makes Paul McShane look like a superstar, is captain of England and Chelsea. So the Badger will give credit where it due; to John Terry – the man who’s risen higher than any sex-addicted purported racist could ever dream.

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