Kentaro: Your worst intentions at heart

 
 

Public urination, murder and genocide: all synonyms for the noun-cum-adjective Kentaro, reckons The Badger

Who knew when Sepp Blatter promised our poor country moral compensation that it would involve an all expenses paid midweek trip to London at the beginning of March? This is the reality – and now to top off the luxurious getaway, the virtuous neo-fascist hardcore socialists from Kentaro have agreed to organise the whole event.

The Kentarian leader, Kentara, gave a masterclass in media relations and spoke about her delight of high profile international fixtures taking place under their stewardship: “At the time of going to print, there was no one available to comment.” Normally a cynic about general topics such as sunshine, lollipops and hugs, the Badger has no major gripe with this loving family-based company.

Don’t get the Badger wrong; he has tried to find fault with this agency and to date has humiliatingly failed. As the pre-eminent “House of Football”, Kentaro’s quest for absolute control over every aspect of the Beautiful Game and take all of the profits for themselves is quite a heartwarming story and brings a tear to the Badger’s beady little eyes.

Sometimes the Badger questions the morality of people when they donate their own hard-earned cash towards unnecessary charities such as UNICEF, and seem to neglect these passionate multi-national corporations (MNC). In a final plea to convince the public’s mind on where they donate their excess cash, let the Badger explain the motivations and actions of Kentaro with a simple simile.

Kentaro are like the driver of a car that sees people walking beside a giant puddle near the curb. Their natural reaction to this situation would be not to drive through the puddle at a high speed, thus splashing the puddle in the direction of the helpless pedestrians. Kentaro are the kind of comforting MNC that will carefully mount the curb at a high speed and plow down all of the people without even making a dent in their bumper.

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Another issue that was in no way getting the Badger annoyed over the Christmas break was the lack of football at certain times, and the increased coverage of darts on his expensive digital TV channels. There are many people who claim that darts is not a sport; however, the Badger’s politically correct view is that fat people need sport too.

Though admittedly darts is a high-class professional sport that requires a strenuous diet and excellent grooming technique to fashion the most trailer-trashy facial hair possible, it must be differentiated from other pretend sports that are based on crap like athletic ability and relative applicable skill. It may be unrealistic to consider darts as an Olympic-worthy sport, but maybe as apart of a modified three-day tetrathlon event, it may seem that bit more appealing.

The Badger proposes that the bastardised competition begin with the most physically and mentally draining event, as opponents test the strength of their own arms against one another, the aim being to pin the other opponent’s arm onto a horizontal surface, with the winner’s arm over the loser’s arm.

Day two will see a further significant test of the athletes’ strength, as they are required to show their wife throwing ability in the first outdoor activity of the competition (though if all other options have been exhausted, wife throwing can be a converted indoor sport). Though the two previously mentioned sports would be considered a pivotal part of the event, they would only be preparing the stage for the main event: darts.

Predictably, Phil “The Power” Taylor would be favourite to win the first Olympic Gold in the Badger’s revised tetrathlon; maybe Kentaro could lend a helping hand to get this innovative idea of the ground. “Fast. Creative. Experienced. Efficient. Tet-fat-hlon.”

Screw the World,
The Badger

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