Hopelessly uncool? Don’t try to deny it. Never fear though, Michelle McCormick is on hand to guide you through the murky waters of hotness and notness
Forget the €5 vodka & cranberry masquerading as a Cosmo, if you want a proper cocktail, get thee to Tonic in Blackrock. With a range so extensive it makes your brain hurt, you’re guaranteed to have a great night that… makes your brain hurt. At €8.90 a go they’re not the cheapest, but with themed menus like Sweet Shop, Craggy Island and Fawlty Towers, who can resist? Go on find out what Mrs Doyle tastes like.
Finally, a TV show that does not take over your life, alienate you from friends and family, or make you want to throw things. Harper’s Island is a thriller-type drama about a group of family and friends who travel to, er Harper’s Island, for a wedding – little do they know that the place is famed for a streak of grisly murders. Shockingly (if you’ve never watched TV before), the murders start back up again, and the guests drop off one by one. The best part? There’s only one series! So the answers come thick and fast, coming to a lovely conclusion at the end of 13 episodes, with not a random polar bear in sight.
Cadbury Bar and a Half
These new bars are selling in shops everywhere for 99c, and if the promise of more chocolate isn’t enough to sway you, then… what the hell is wrong with you? If you really need another reason, the packs are delightfully Wonka-esque, allowing you to play Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by opening the bar, wrapping the chocolate in tinfoil, putting the wrapper back on, and pretending to win a Golden Ticket. Not that I’ve done that or anything.
The death of Big Brother
Ding dong, the witch is dead… Big Brother has finally succumbed! After ten years of inflicting the most desperate and pathetic attention-seekers upon the world, Channel 4 has announced that it’s cancelling Big Brother. No longer will we be compelled to care about the antics of several mentally challenged fame whores as they struggle to interact like normal human beings.
The new X-Factor format
We knew that anyone whose dog has recently died has a better chance of getting to bootcamp than someone who’s happy; and that unattractive people are always untalented. And yes, we were always aware on some level that the X-Factor auditions were staged, and that the whole show is merely an exercise in ritual public humiliation, followed by a popularity contest. But they don’t have to rub it in our faces, like.
Also, what’s up with Dannii’s hair?
Note to women everywhere: you are not Vanilla Ice. Leave the 80s where they belong – in the 80s. Please stop inflicting this crime against humanity on our eyes. They make you look like you’re wearing a giant nappy; or are a genie, escaped from a lamp, come to live in the real world. THIS MUST STOP.
Sorry, Jordan, there’s something stuck to the bottom of your shoe there… oh, it’s just the last shred of your self-respect.
Just when we thought we had found the lowest common denominator of humanity, Jordan digs real deep and aims right for the bottom of that barrel. Keep trying, you little trooper… not far to go now!
Oh hi, UCD – reality called, it wants you to acknowledge the current state of the rental market in Dublin. €665 for a room in Roebuck?! Are the beds gold-plated? Does it come with maid service? Does it have one of those cool walk-in-wardrobes like they have on that there Cribs programme? Wake up and smell the recession, please.