Top Ten Films To Never Watch Sober

 
 

The Room
The cinematic masterpiece that marries naggings with spoons; there is no greater pleasure than a wasted night in with Tommy Wiseau’s brainchild that got held back in junior infants. The Room is the greatest retelling of a love triangle ever to be denied an Oscar, but only because the judges weren’t on the buckfast that night.

Super High Me
Like Supersize Me, but instead of Morgan Spurlock it’s an over-confident, under-funny would be comedian, and instead of fast food it’s a big fat bag of weed. Doug Benson, our protagonist with grass-tinted glasses, inadvertently proves that the joke is not funny unless you’re blazed. You’ll need a fifty bag for this.

Hot Tub Time Machine
Exactly what it says on the tin, which is why you’ll be wanting a fat pile of tins to get through it. Drink every time John Cusack’s career sinks past the point of rock bottom, and three shots for the line. “It must be some kind of… hot tub time machine…”

Birdemic: Shock and Terror
As the undisputed worst independent romantic horror thriller ever, Birdemic and its .gif-animated flock of killers are neither shocking nor terrifying. Drink every time there’s a fully-clothed sex scene.

Surf Nazis Must Die
Despite how promising it sounds, seeing a group of neo-Nazi surf punks in a post-apocalyptic future getting hunted down by Leroy’s Mama is not the 83 minutes of badassery that it promises. Unless you’re taking the 70cl challenge; then it’s a stellar piece of film.

Black Dynamite
Admittedly, this film can be thoroughly enjoyed while sober, but watch it while annihilated and you won’t actually assimilate any part of the plot. This allows you at least seven more intoxicated viewings before it starts making sense. Then spell it backwards, and drop the ‘s’.

Rocky Horror Picture Show
It could be argued by die-hard fans that Rocky Horroris too much of a cult classic to be hammered for. This advice from the same die-hard fans who celebrate the film by dressing up and getting hammered.

Any Power Rangers Film
Or was that just a few episodes together? They definitely reused that spray painted sleeping bag from the last villain’s cape for this one’s face. The shaky camera is bearable when you’re too hammered to notice a difference from reality.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
It may have artistic merit for portraying the experience of drugs to the sober masses, but wouldn’t it be so much better if you kept up to their pace? Yes. Yes it would.

Titanic
There’s a hull lot of criticism in the world over Titanic, but if you’re watching it ship-faced it won’t be so bád. We’re not meS.S.ing, get decked and then and you’ll sea what we mean. Tins ahoy!

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