It all kicks off when Kane gets face-raped by one of the titular aliens. The others peel it off then sit down to light hearted lunch – Kane seemingly not traumatised or put off his food or anything. He starts feeling a bit peaky when suddenly an alien bursts out of his chest spraying blood and guts all over the spaceship. And you thought human childbirth was bad.
The Dark Knight
Although not graphic this is by far the most horrific. The Joker bursts in on a gangster meeting and shows one of the guards how he can make a pencil disappear. Ta-Daa!
John Travolta is sitting in the car chatting and casually waving his gun about and accidentally blows Marvin’s head off in the back seat. It manages to be completely disgusting yet hilarious at the same time – directed by comedy-gore aficionado Quinton Tarantino of course.
Local village journalist Tim Messenger gets a cathedral spire dropped on his head – instant graphic decapitation, and all because he made typos. A sobering warning for us here at the Observer…
A tearful scene in which the T-800 (i.e. Arnie) sacrifices himself. The last shot shows him sinking into the lava giving the thumbs up to John Connor. This was supposed to erase the Terminator from time but he got better. And took over California.
Kirk’s father takes over as captain when the Big Bad, Nero, has the pervious captain killed. He evacuates the ship but cannot save himself and spends his final minutes on the phone to his wife tearfully deciding what to call his new born son. One of the saddest film openings I’ve seen. In Star Trek of all things. It soon gets less weepy and more shooty.
V for Vandetta
Well, he’s already dead when this happens, but what a spectacular funeral! Every Republican’s dream comes true when we see British Parliament bombed to the sky, all to the delicious music of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture, or subtly “his music”.
Russell Crowe’s character Maximus Decimus Meridius Sanctus Spiritus gets to beat the crap out of the Roman Emperor before going to the now clichéd wheat field heaven.
The classic Hitchcock death scene. Woman in the shower, guy sneaks up on her with a knife. We don’t see the stabs but she tears down the shower curtain and her blood swirls down the plughole, all to spine chilling music. Even if you haven’t seen the film I guarantee you’ve seen a million homages to it. The mark of a great film is that it’s been ripped off so much it is nigh unwatchable.
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
The film climaxes with Spielberg’s ludicrous Nazis opening The Ark of the Covenant and getting all the flesh melted off their faces by the power of 1980s special effects. It may look a bit rubbish now but it burnt itself into my childhood nightmares and taught me an important lesson – don’t fuck with archaeologists. They’ll melt your face.