Tongue-in-chic

 
 

Like the Witches in Macbeth – scary if you don’t heed its advice

Any woman with any respect for her future and the future of her breasts will know that it is vital to invest in a good bra. Lace and ribbon detail come second to the fact that they must be supported for years and years to come, so that they remain two identifiable mammory glands and not one big, slumping tumour somewhere between navel and crotch. This is a fact that every girl needs to know – if your mother never told you this, shame on her, and you maybe would have been better off in care at a young age, a fate that would not be of harm to Kerry Katona’s children.

This same rule applies to men. No, there should not be a device to hold in moobs; they shouldn’t exist in the first place. What is essential to remember is that, like the nose, there are certain elements of a man’s body that will continue to grow throughout life –  become more and more pendulous as time increases, and no man wants to get his scrotum caught in his sock.

Men’s underwear is designed with a pouch in the front for a reason, and it’s not to hold your wallet. Alas, there are innumerable men out there who find buying underwear an arduous, agonising task. They seem to buy the biggest, loosest piece of pelvis-shaped nylon they can buy, as if to take absolutely all emphasis away from the fact that things need to be held in place. God forbid the checkout woman in Dunnes knows you actually have genitals.

It seems that genitals only exist in Brown Thomas, where the price tag of Aussie Bums reflect the size of what they’re cupping. Underwear shopping should not be a toiling, gruelling and humiliating experience. Nor should it resort in not being able to eat for a week as a result of having some guy’s name written on the waistband. No – if you want to just have a normal, proportionate package, just make sure that there’s good support; it’ll help when you’re chasing the 46A. Have a look at the stock in H&M, it’s nice in both style and structure. Don’t just do it for yourself, but do it for your future children, before your genitals turn into a medieval torture device. Act now, act fast. Your balls are on the line.

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