Soapbox – Cycle Path

 
 

If your transport involves only two wheels you’d better watch out, as Emily Mullen is on the warpath against any cyclists invading her road


Cyclists, you make me want to run you over. Not that I actually would unless you pushed me,then I would happily go to prison for your murder. Every morning there you are, slowing making your pedal-y way through the byways of UCD. Taking your sweet time, in the middle of the road, having the bants with your fellow cyclicistic home slices. You are a breed apart from the Sunday pedalers, lycra arses I like to call them, the middle-aged men who zoom on their racing bikes with their unreal helmets and their penchant for tight-fitting cycling shorts. Although they are still cyclists, they exude a sort of Mark Cavendish-esque sex-appeal, which you sir/madam do not. You don’t wear reflective clothing, you are not aerodynamically efficient and you are not a hobbyist. You are a different breed, the UCD cyclist, with a stupid school bag and one of your trouser legs rolled up for no good reason.

A part of me dies any time I see you starting your journey moments before I round the corner, or abruptly using the roundabout with no form of indicator, not even an arm gesture. I see you overtaking fellow cyclists, slower cyclists – a dirty, dirty habit I’m sure you picked up at your ‘A cyclist’s guide to thug life’ meetings, held in the Astra Hall from four to six every Thursday evening.

What I want from you is a compromise: stop skipping red lights, and I will stop the ranting and the public humiliation. If you think you have enough right to be on the road than obey its rules. Those lights are red for a reason. I suggest snipers at each crossroads for cyclists that jump lights, and hop onto the path willy-nilly. You like our roads when it suits you, but as soon as you see the red light and the half a minute added on to your sitting-on-a-saddle time, you take to the path. Not when you are cycling at two kilometres an hour, and making motorists frustrated and placing them in precarious positions, no, not then.

I know you have your reasons for cycling – saving the whale, lack of funds and/or not needing a licence to cycle. I think that there should be a licence for you; every other wheeled vehicle needs one bar you. There should be an exam that you should take, a humiliating one. Where you must demonstrate proper pedalling techniques and obey the rules of the road on a tandem bike, with the examiner seated behind you. Cyclists that are only learning to cycle, i.e. children, should wear L-stickers, and cycle in a padded jacket until they obey the rules of my road.

As a mouthpiece for the CCAH (Cyclists’ Crimes Against Humanity); I am anti-dangerous cycling and pro the proper use of the rules of the road. On your bike you say? Think again.

Advertisements