This fortnight Fadora McSexypants gives you a five-step plan to nabbing a man
I can’t get a boyfriend. Whenever I approach a man to get his phone number or his babies, he runs away! I think it’s my haircut. What should I do?
3rd year Philosophy.
Good evening Jennifer Hogan,
There is no getting away from it ladies – men are difficult to tie down. I personally have had more husbands come and go than I can rightly remember, but recent estimations put the number somewhere in the thirties. Men are notoriously difficult to keep committed. Or so I hear. All my husbands died in mysterious circumstances.
There is no reason why every girl on the UCD campus can’t have a handsome man on her arm, unless she’s ugly. So J-Ho, to help you end your desperate, pitiful quest for a man, here’s Fadora McSexypants’s Five Quick Steps to Boyftown. Use it carefully – inside are all the tips any girl needs to get knee-deep in wang, and I don’t mean the foreign kid who follows you around the Arts building.
1) Take a long hard look at yourself. Look at yourself in a mirror. Go on, I’ll wait. Look at yourself. Really look. Look at every one of your little insecurities. Your little belly, your flat hair, your weird arse. Really look at them. Imagine a handbag on your arm. Now I want you to put all those insecurities in that handbag. Can you feel how heavy it is? Can you feel how much it’s weighing you down? That’s how ugly you are. Focus on how ugly you are from here on out.
2) Hit the gym. Now that you have suitably low self-esteem, it’s time to hit the gym. Nothing screams girlfriend material like the golden combo of a hot body and a tear-stained face. If you need inspiration while running that last 5k, just remember how fat people die alone.
3) Learn to bake. Nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman who can bake. Men have simple tastes – bring them a tin full of brownies or the occasional Rice Krispie bun and you’ll have them eating fairy cakes out your hand faster than you can say ‘Betty Cocker’.
4) Act like you want nothing to do with him. People are stupid, and want what they can’t have simply by virtue of its unattainability. Keep your distance. Don’t pay any compliments and take a while to text back: it’s like ‘keep-away’, but with tits. If, like me, you are appallingly good-looking, this almost always works. If you have a face like a skinned knee, however, maybe skip this step.
5) Handjob! Nothing says ‘long term, committed relationship’ like a sly HJ at the back of the Astra Hall. No man can resist it. Simply surprise your man with an impromptu fiddle-faddle between classes, and he’ll be yours forever.
Actually, now that I think about it, you could cut out steps one through four.
Love and Cuddles,
MLitt, PhD, SWM.
Next week, Fadora explains why the morning-after pill shouldn’t just be available in Boots, it should be mandatory.
Send your queries to firstname.lastname@example.org.