Each week, our resident sexpert, feminist and pog-champion Fadora McSexypants answers your questions on love, lust, and life.
I have uggo friends? They’re, like, mega uggo. All the time they seem to be uggo and up in this bitch’s face? What should I do, lol?
Bitches be out,
Keeva in Killiney
Good evening Keeva. It seems you’re in the middle of a tight spot that I find myself in almost every day – being surrounded by people not as attractive as you. As anyone who’s ever walked into the Science building knows, it can be a daunting experience.
You’re faced with a dilemma. On one hand, no one wants to be around ugly people, for fear that you might ‘catch’ inferior genetics. By definition, ugly people have nothing interesting to say, and are boring to be around. Why talk to ugly people when you can spit at them, as you would a dog?
On the other hand, God put the facially challenged on this earth for a reason. Ugly people make the rest of us, the ‘uber-frau’ if you will, look good. If there were no ugly people, we wouldn’t have anyone to affirm that we’re better then everyone else. Think about it for a moment – if there were no ugly people, who would fetch our coats, clean our spacious houses, or read our newspaper columns?
Just imagine a world without the visually dull, the plain Janes, and the flat-out uggos. Sure, there would be positive aspects – everyone would have perfect teeth – but the price we’d pay is having no one look up to us, no one with whom our radiance contrasts. Just as the dark is simply the absence of light, so is beauty simply the presence of the ugly.
So, Keeva, try not to be too hard on your double-bagger friends. Sure, they may be more impasto then oil painting, and sure, they wouldn’t even be able to get a quick shift in a FAS office, and sure, maybe they when they were born the doctor tried to but them back in, but – I’ve forgotten where I was going with this.
Love and implants,
Fadora McSexypants, HGV.
Next week, Fadora explains why you don’t literally ‘blow’. Send your sexy queries to firstname.lastname@example.org