Sex Column: Hot and Nasty With Fadora McSexypants

 
 

This fortnight, Fadora McSexypants tells you what to day when a girl is nonplussed by your declaration of romance

Dear Fadora,

I recently confessed to a girl that I really liked her. She didn’t say anything; she just looked at me oddly for a few seconds. Before long everyone in my English lecture was doing the same, and even the lecturer was in tears laughing when I handed the microphone back to him. I can’t help but feel my confession didn’t go according to plan, so what can I do now to win her over?

Please help me Fadora, I don’t want to spend another mid-term watching a complete series of Two and a Half Men by myself; you need friends to watch it with to appreciate its underrated comedy.

Misguided in Merville,

Donnnnie O’Scanaill,

2nd year English and Information Studies

Good Evening Donnnnie,

Oh Donnnnie, it’s never easy getting a hard smack with the retard stick, and I fear you got a particularly vicious caning. I sense you’re a man with a heart from a different time, back when men were men and bras were pointy. As noble as it was to try and win your love’s affection with a grand gesture, you almost certainly looked like, at best, a socially-maladjusted weirdo, and at worst, someone who would wear the poor girl’s skin as a finely tailored coat.

Nevertheless, I have a saying that has seen me through harder times than this – nothing cannot be undone. It has served me though each of my many, many divorces and through my horrific car accident in 2009, when I drove my spacious Alfa Romeo into a pole. That’ll teach him for taking our jobs.

“But Fadora”, I hear you whine, “how does your magnificent and inspirational life story relate to mine? You’re an award-winning supernatural-fiction author and acclaimed inventor of the Push Pop. I am but a simple English student with a penchant for attention and spelling my name incorrectly.” While this is all true, and yes, you are clearly as mental as Funderland on Salvia, with the right attitude you can woo this unsuspecting love-victim.

Be it a terrific faux-pas or your fantasy girl’s tightly fitting brassiere, nothing cannot be undone – all you need is confidence, self-belief, and good looks. A lot of people would tell you to be yourself, but that’s not really what McSexypants is all about. Be someone entirely different; try being someone cool, or someone with an interesting personality. Being yourself is what got you into this mess in the first place. Try being Mark Wahlberg. He seems to be doing alright.

Now that you’re Mark Wahlberg, you’ll have the skills and confidence you’ll need to approach your lady-love. Explain to her that you didn’t know what you were doing; you were still dizzy from doing all those sit-ups. Convey to her that you only proclaimed your love to be ironic, and that you’d never do something so forward to a girl with such underwhelming looks.

This sort of backhanded insult is called ‘negging’, and you’d be amazed how well it works – tell her that you really like her new jeans because they make her arse look a bit less fat, or that you think those new glasses really draw the eye away from that weird face thing she’s got going on. This will make you seem confident and cool, and if that doesn’t work, who cares? You’re Mark Wahlberg! What are you doing in an English lecture in the first place?

Love and Cuddles,

Fadora McSexypants,

BA, PhD, YMCA.

Next week, Fadora explains why you should never, ever watch Two and a Half Men. Also, something about sex.

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