Every fortnight, outspoken feminist, sexpert and Wii Sports journeyman Fadora McSexypants answers your questions on life, love and lust
Oh hai Fadora,
I am a young man who has a serious problem with other people’s perception of his sexual preferences. At 16, I came out as gay and was largely maligned for the decision. However, after watching a lot of late-night softcore parliamentary porn on BBC 4, I have found myself leaning the other way again.
So my question is: what is the best way for a gay man to come out of the closet and announce he is straight?
Andy ‘The Milkman’ Connors, Belgrove
Sent from my iPhone
Good evening Andy,
The first thing to remember is that you are not alone. Every day, more and more young gay men are realising the terrible mistake they’ve made and setting themselves back on the straight and narrow. These men, who once proudly leapt out of the closet, realise it’s time to stuff themselves right back in – hopefully putting their ‘stuffing’ days behind them forever.
Let’s be clear darling, being gay isn’t wrong no more then being straight is. Homosexuality is a wonderful thing. Without it, we wouldn’t have the works of Michelangelo, the poetry of Wilde, or X Factor. There is nothing morally wrong with homo or heterosexuality, it’s bisexuality you need to look out for. Those hipsters are only kidding themselves.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Fadora, put down that expensive Cartier fountain pen at once, because you know as well as I do that being gay is not a choice.” “Hold on,” I reply, my voice at once sensual and authoritative. “How do you know? Have you ever tried being a gay man? I know I have.” Sexuality is aspirational; it’s like a small child with a broken leg – a slow-moving, yet vaguely arousing, target.
Men all over the country are starting to realise their mistake by coming out as an one of a Wildean persuasion. This is a time of recession and the gay lifestyle is an expensive one, what with all the tight trousers, fruity cocktails and aloe vera. Many homosexuals are finding the gay lifestyle simply too expensive to remain feasible. The McSexypants Institute for Advanced Statistics and Fluffing suggests that benefit cutbacks and financial constraints in the next budget will cause over half of the gay population to “re-vaginize” themselves in the next year alone.
So, now that you are safe in the knowledge that you are indeed not alone in your quest to give yourself a full gay-ectomy, it’s time to build up the courage you’ll need to tell your friends and family that you’re straight.
Firstly, consider how much more energy you’ll have now that you don’t need to spend every night dancing like a horny meth addict. Who knows, you might take up a good heterosexual sport like rugby or wrestling. My wise old grandmother, Senorita Consuela McSexypants, had a saying: “A man is only as strong as the men he gets in a big sweaty man-pile with. Now get out of my house before I burn you.”
Secondly, think of the time you’ll save as a straight man. No longer must you watch Come Dine With Me every time it comes on. No longer will you have to update your Glee blog (or glog) every week. It may seem like a little thing, but the amount of reading you can get done when you’re not haunting the Arts basement bathrooms is considerable.
Be proud Andy. Own who you are. You’re here, you like breasts, get used to it. Now go out there and be the best football-watching, beer-drinking, willy-rejecting straight man you can be.
Love and Tickles,
Fadora McSexypants, OMG.
Next week, Fadora discusses how to make your man go wild using only some Vaseline and a box of Jenga.
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