Real Smoke on Airplanes, with Dixon Coltrane

 
 

This week Dixon teaches a beta-male how to climb to the top of any social group, like a man.

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Hey Dixon,

I’m a small guy on a large campus and I find myself gravitating to alpha males, such as yourself, just allowing myself to blend in. While my friends get all the tang when we hit da clubs, I’m stuck in the corner, playing Angry Birds and looking like I’m allergic to human contact.

I don’t know what it is – maybe some primal beast has been awoken inside of me – but I’ve had enough of it. I need to assert myself more, but I’m not sure how. Maybe I should bulk up, or maybe not, ’cause the gym is way over there and my arm is feeling really weird at the moment. I’m so stumped for ideas, could your testosterone-fulled mind help me out a bit?

Thanks man,

Jimmy “I made a Situation in my pants” Little, Clonskeagh

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Listen here Little Jim,

I’ve been an alpha male for some time now, so let me tell you boy, I’m talking from experience. It ain’t easy being a small man in a big man’s world – not that I’d know son, I’m 6’3, or 6’5 if you count my fedora. But I’ve dealt with a lot of small men in my time, and I understand how it must feel; every day, you wake up wondering what am I worth? Will I ever find love? Do people make fun of me behind my back? Well let me clear the fog, Jimmy Boy; not much, probably not, and you bet I do.

I’ll play it straight with you son; things just aren’t on the up and up. But don’t wet your specs, pal o’ mine – here’s Dixon Coltrane’s foolproof four-step fakeloo to get the fraus to finger you as a real man’s man. After this, you’ll be the cock of the walk, or I’ll cross you two-bits.

Step 1: Pin your diapers on – A man’s only as good as his shiniest buttons, so spiff up those glad rags and for God sake, put a crease in your trousers. No-one respects a small-town Joe wearing a brightly-coloured hoodie like some sort of nancy tent.

Step 2: If the dukes adore you, the dames will too – It’s alpha male, buddy, not alpha ankle, so you need to be in charge of the men if you don’t want the skirt to give you the bum’s rush. Try conversing with the boys about the hot new sports teams, or some particularly memorable breasts; rubes can’t resist a top-notch breast story.

Step 3: Don’t eat in front of anybody – Only mooks let people see them eating, Slim Jim, because just like bleeding or showing emotions, it’s a sign of weakness. You don’t need chemical nourishment, son, you just need the energy you attain from endless cigarettes, Old Fashioned’s, and your own sense of superiority.

Step 4: Smile – This one’s the big easy, Jimbo; when you walk into a room, flash some pearlies. An alpha male owns each room he enters, and if you skulk in like you just got buzzed by some palooka with bigger arms and a bigger ego, no dame’s gonna think you’re worth biscuits.

See Jimedy Jim Jim? It’s as simple as my nephew, and twice as interesting. There’s no big secret to being a man’s man’s man, it’s all in realising who you are, and then realising that person is terrible and then pretending to be more like Dixon. In every moment from here on out, ask yourself; “What would Dixon do?”, and soon you’ll be top-cat in every group your tiny, girlish legs bring you to. Easy as duck soup.

That’s the rub,

Dixon Coltrane

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