Real Men Smoke on Airplanes, with Dixon Coltrane

 
 

Dear Dixon,
Every time I go to the bathroom to use the urinal, I find people are looking at my junk, which always makes me nervous as to whether they are sizing me up, which in turn makes me think sexy thoughts about ladies. So all they see is a ginger trying to subliminally wank while pissing. What advice can you offer me?

Yours,

Shy in Sci

Listen here Shy,

These are the types of issues the female of the species simply don’t have to consider, but we of little emotion and much penis have deal with rubs like these every day – and let me tell you Shy, there aren’t no rub like a public bathroom rub, because a public bathroom rub don’t stop.

I’d like to tell you not to be nervous, Shy Guy, but frankly, I’ve never seen your penis, and there’s every chance you’re packing a derringer, when you should be packing a Tommy, and if your packing a Tommy, you’ll be packing boxes ’til moving day – that’s a joke son, a gaff. Ever hear of subtext?

There are several issues at play here, ol’ Shy Curious, so let’s start from the beginning. A man’s roscoe is only the size of the man holding it, which in this case, is you. Don’t be afraid of these private part peepers; stand up straight, puff your chest out, and give it the full four inches. You know what FDR says; “A man’s flick stick is only as proud as the man it’s attached to.” I’m almost sure that’s the right quote, although on second thought, that might have been Eleanor.

Secondly, let’s be straight about this, Shys Wide Shut – no man should ogle another man’s goggle-pike unless given express permission, preferably in writing. Next time it happens, make sure he isn’t taking a gander at your cufflinks, but if he isn’t, don’t rough him up – any lug can put a palooka in his place with a Chinese squeeze. What you want to do is stare that mook out. Look deep into his eyes, with a fury reserved only for God and the criminally insane, and he’ll think twice about eyeballing your thigh-balls. Either that, or just boast about the shapely nature of your own flesh satchels – nothing says “get away from me” like a man bragging about the proud nature of his own trouble bubbles.

Thirdly, and this is a big one, dye your hair. Everything about ginger is effeminate – the hair colour, the woman’s name, and the snaps. No excuses Shy Baby.

Finally, have you gone soft in the head? No man should be caught pullin’ polka in a bathroom, whether you’re thinking about dizzy dames or not. Listen up High and Shy – I don’t care whether you’re into guys or dolls, that’s irrelevant – but no man should be rubbing his John in the john. Pleasuring yourself is a sign of weakness, sonny boy – it’s a dark and shameful thing, and a real man would just store up all his frustration until he releases at an appropriate time, like a war, or at the very least, a particularly vigorous round of alcoholism.

That’s the rub,

Dixon Coltrane

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