otwo attempts: Being Beautiful

 
 

Just how easy is it to find a girlfriend on the internet? Peter Molloy becomes a Beautiful Person to find out

Meet Hank Shandley – he’s a Beautiful Person. He must be, because both he and his picture have been accepted on to the eponymous US dating website. The site famously culled thousands of its members during the post-holiday season after they gained a few too many festive pounds. So how would otwo fare on the site with one simple admission policy: if you’re good-looking, you get in.

Shandley, a non-smoking Californian, is in his mid-twenties and is working his way through a Psychology PhD in the University of San Diego. Despite his academic commitments, he still finds the time to help out with orphans on the weekends.

Shandley is also completely, breath-takingly fictitious. Far from being a bronzed West Coast Psych student and all-round nice guy, he’s the creatively lazy creation of a maliciously-minded Features Editor, cooped up for far too long in a dark corner of UCD’s Student Centre.

So, just how long could Shandley survive in the cut-throat (and heart-break) world of online dating? Well it wasn’t too long before his gleaming bio had a bite in the form of Jayne.

***

Jayne wrote:

I’m new. Will you rate me? :)

Hank Shandley wrote:

Hi Jayne! Sure I’ll rate ya! Where are you at in the ‘States?

Hank x

Jayne wrote:

I’m from southern Ca and yourself?

I hope you rated me well!

Hank Shandley wrote:

I’m from west San Diego – gotta dig that crazy Cali sunshine! Of course I rated you well – a pretty face gets me every time! So what brings you to the site?

Jayne wrote:

it’s been raining so much though! I like rain on occasion, it’s refreshing..honestly, I saw this site in a documentary I watched. It was about America & its shallowness. lol I was just curious to see what people thought of my looks. thanks btw. I think you’re cute yourself! I love SD too :)

Hank wrote:

Which is why I miss that super SD sunshine! Well I’m loving your looks from here, you’ve got a full two thumbs up from me! I’m kinda in the same boat, heard so many funky stories in the news media so just wanted to check it out, lol. Getting to talk to people like you, though, I’m starting to see that there might be an upside to Beautiful People…

Jayne wrote:

well don’t be a stranger! we are neighbours after all ;)

Hank wrote:

Hey, you’re right, you know! I don’t mean to sound too forward, but how would you feel about maybe going on a date?

Jayne wrote:

hmm that’s a possibility but I think we should get to know each other maybe a little more. Plus, I’ll be out of town the next couple weeks. Here’s something about me, I love travelling. I’m road-tripping it up to Portland & Seattle. Tell me somethings about you! Do you really not have a car? How could anyone live w/o one when you live in cali?! Lol

Hank wrote:

Hey! It’s so great to hear from you! Well, I did drive for a while; but then I got really worried about the Global Warming Economic Downturn so I decided to do my bit and stop. Now, I just jog everywhere – it takes me a lot longer (sometimes days) depending on where I’m going, but I think it’s worth it!

About myself… hmmm, well I’m currently in the middle of my Psychology PhD, so that takes a good amount of time, lol! I still like to help out with the orphans at the weekend though. How about you – how do you like to let your hair down?

Jayne wrote:

haha jog huh? I’m not a jogger but I jazzercise! Ya sounds silly but it’s a workout combo of dance, cardio & strength training to diff songs for an hr. That’s something I do..Phych major? What school do you go to? I’m not sure exactly what I want to major in, if I do major in anything at all that is. I was going to do nursing but right now I fell like college just isn’t for me..in high school I went down to Mexico on missions trips to help out at orphanages. Do you do that w/ a church or is it just something you have a passion for?

Hank wrote:

Jazzercising, huh? That sure sounds like fun – and a great way to keep in shape! I oughta try that myself! All that jogging and digitally assisted right arm toning does me just great for the moment, but I always like new ways to keep fit!

I’m in USD right now at the moment. Yep – Psych has always been my passion: I just feel that this world is such an amazing place, so it thrills me to get to know how all the people in it work! Nursing sure is such a worthwhile thing to do – you should definitely think about it! Take your time about deciding to go to college though, there’s no need to hurry yourself. There sure is a whole lot to be said for maybe taking a year out and trying some volunteer work in Iraq or Afghanistan or something.

The orphan thing I do myself, it just gives me such a warm feeling. I got very put off it about a year ago after Timmy’s accident; but after a while I realised that he probably would have back-flipped out that window any way, even if I hadn’t fallen asleep, lol!!

So, tell me a little bit more about this road-trip of yours, sounds way intriguing!

Jayne wrote:

haha jazzercise is a total girl thing. what is digitally assisted right arm toning?

I’m totally excited about my road trip! Just going w/ a friend and stopping in Sac a night then up to Portland. Have you been to the north west? It’s so beautiful & green. It’ll be my third time to go. There are lots of good places to eat & the culture is so much more laid back then in Cali. There’s lots of art & good music, if you’re into that thing. Night life is fun too. Then Seattle, I was there once but didn’t get to really go around like I wanted to. I want to visit Pike Place Market which is this huge place w/ all different international food & great seafood. Both cities have great live music too.

Can you tell I like food? I also love to cook it. lol people say I’m good at it so I suppose I am. That’s one of my hobbies. I also am into photo & painting. That’s another thing I’m looking forward to on the trip; taking lots of photos!

I don’t know what else..haha do you at least like what you know about me so far?

Hank wrote:

Hey again, you! Digitally assisted right arm toning is a really super way of working on all those muscle groups. I like to crack a few off late most nights (wouldn’t wanna wake anyone up, lol!!).

Gosh, that road trip sure does sound exciting. I’ve never been up that far, but I’d absolutely love to be able to live in a place that’s really green and lush – couldn’t imagine what that’s like! I’m quite a big food person myself, too – I like to eat almost every day.

So you like your art and culture, eh? I really dig that stuff, pictures in books are always so great, lol!! Hobby-wise, I was quite into ornithology when I was younger – me and a few of the guys would go out searching most weekends, and we’d usually manage to tick a few off our lists!

So how soon are you going?

Jayne wrote:

bird watching?..nice, I’ve never done that.

I’m glad you like to eat almost everyday. lol Maybe I could make you something on one of the days you decide to eat!

I am venturing out next week Mon. and be back in a week and a half or so.

Hank wrote:

Gosh, would you actually make me a meal? You’d have to know my favourite dish first, though? x

Jayne wrote:

ok what’s your favorite food?

Hank wrote:

Well, it’s a little bit obscure, but my Grandparents were Irish Poles and there was a really nice regional specialty they used to give me whenever I’d stay with them. Have you ever had a hand-shandy?

Jayne wrote:

have I ever masturbated? yes I have

***

With this, Hank Shandley gave up his quest. Sadly, Jayne disappeared from Beautiful People as otwo went to print.

And they said breaking up was hard to do…

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