O-two opinion: things that should never be combined

 
 

Sometimes potential combinations are best left alone, so Quinton O’Reilly demonstrates why you should take heed

When the mystifyingly popular Jedward ran out onto the turf of Croke Park, a number of questions sprang to mind.  After getting your head round the idea that both Jed and Ward bypassed security and burly hurlers solely because they were supposed to be “performing” there (a word whose definition becomes looser by the day), you end up wondering, who the hell thought combining Jedward and Croke Park was a great idea?

Croke Park doesn’t seem to be the only one in danger of their presence. The boys and their hair seem to have seeped into most aspects of life – pantomimes, Irish books, promotional campaigns, they even have their own bloody song and music video. You have to fear where they will go next. Contemporary theatre maybe?

Will we, in a year or two, be seeing the duo starring in the production of Waiting for Godot playing Vladimir and Estragon in the Pavilion Theatre in a cynical attempt to engage misguided youth with Irish drama?

Sure they could be a hit and The Irish Times would write something typically pretentious and gushing like “their vapid and naive performance comes closest to realising Beckett’s oblique and absurd vision when he first penned this work”. However, by doing this, a little piece of every sane thinker will die inside, as well as the deaths of numerous Irish playwrights’ faith in mankind.

The only thing that the duo has left to grace is the front cover of a Rice Krispies box. While being one Jed short of a trio, they would easily be christened snap and pop, the latter being in memory of the musical genre that they just happened to slaughter.

The point is there’s a lot of things that should be left to function alone yet are incessantly mixed together by short-sighted factions of society, ignorant to their own destruction. While there are numerous offences committed on a regular basis, the biggest ones would be as follows:

Sports and logic

A function of life that repeatedly disobeys the rules of the space-time continuum, the world of sports is an incomprehensible situation where people are lauded for being able to handle a pointy ball, or throwing a steel dart at a board while heavily intoxicated.

Your worth as a human being is based on how competently you can achieve these tasks or, if you’re not one of the chosen few, how blindly you can follow a team and generally how large a hypocrite you can be. So berating and calling for the hanging of an opposition player for having the nerve to try and beat your team (before sneering when they mess up) is usually the norm. Bonus points if it’s a children’s game during which you’re shouting insults.

Organised religion and real life

Have you ever been told when something doesn’t go to plan that “God moves in mysterious ways?” Have you ever punched them in the face and justified it by saying your fist also moves in mysterious ways?

That feeling of rage is called religion, the rug in which the dust of difficult questions are swept under in the hope they’ll never be uncovered again. An answer that is used too readily and one that is too easy to plug in the gaps science has yet to fill.

Science knows it doesn’t have all the answers; otherwise it would have stopped. And besides, very few people realise that Jesus Christ was actually based on an amalgamation of people: mainly Harry Potter, Marvin Gaye and the eleventh world chess champion from 1972 to 1975, Bobby Fischer.

And to anyone who’ll tell me that there’s a lot more to life than just facts…oops, there goes my fist again.

Being logged onto Facebook and leaving your computer unattended

I’m going to be honest, if this ever happened to you before, then you deserve to be punished for naïvely trusting people.

Horror movies and a tight production budget

A popular one. There tends to be two schools of thought regarding this combo. The first is that since there aren’t enough funds to make it a properly scary experience, you may as well forsake your creative vision of a postmodern take on endangered species and just disguise its shortcomings by making it a comedy horror about zombie pandas.

The second is just to splash out on special effects and neglect every other aspect of said movie: acting, writing, costume, catering, plausibility, dignity, the works. Normally this option leads to your primary monster/horror threat having glowing eyes just to alert you to when something scary is about to happen, just in case you weren’t paying attention (you were paying attention, weren’t you?).

Conclusion

So if you’re making a combination, just keep this one simple rule in mind. Just don’t do it! Save yourselves and don’t ever look back. Besides, Jedward will probably end up using your idea anyway and you don’t want that.

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