O-Two Opinion: Hitchhiker’s guide to frolitics

 
 

Want to look political and down with the times? Killian Woods gives you the heads up on how to look cool and impress your friends with politics

It has been difficult to put a finger on exactly what’s been happening over the past few weeks/months in the political hemispheres that run the country. We’ve breached so many thresholds that we thought held together the moral fibres of our country’s bureaucratic structure, only to survive each blow to the knackers and follow it up with another blow to that delicate region.

So first there was the Fianna Fáil heave that supposedly rocked our government to its core, only for the current regime to miraculously pop their head out the other end unscathed. Then the actual building blocks (ministers) of the government started to pull out like a game of Jenga, yet still the government stood.

Now O-two may be a bit sketchy on the actual chronological order of these crucial events over the past few weeks, but next up was the non-occurrence of a certain certainty we were told was a near dead cert to certainly happen. Tis the season for resignations and all that with Richard Keys stepping down at Sky, but it appears someone clearly failed to cc Brian Cowen on that memo. Or maybe he forgot that he was Taoiseach as well and should probably step down from that position too.

Yabbadabbadoo this hullabaloo does appear to be getting out of control. As a country we are entering uncharted political waters, no man’s land, parts of Mayo that still practice Murphy’s Law. Don’t panic though; O-two is here to help you through these tough political times.

We are here to help because we care about the future prosperity of our island. This advice is unique and impartial. In what other rag will you be told who and what party to vote for? Well, apart from the Irish Independent.

Prepare for change

This is one of the key aspects in the build-up to a general election. You must be prepared for anything. In the modern day, any political model can prosper and take over. Whether it is the Polish Ninja Party looking to enforce German foreign policies circa 1934-1945, or ‘There’s a political party in my mouth and everyone’s invited’ party that wants all kids to have inflatable tricolour hammers, change needs to be prepared for.

No one is too backward for change, and it is aplenty in all walks of life. Freddo bars are now 25 cents, 1p jellys are now 10 cents, they jigged around the ingredients to fish fingers and now Rancheros aren’t as ripply as they used to be. So don’t be surprised if a new government (not naming names) get into power and a flurry of Supermacs chains replace the likes of Eddie Rockets, McDonalds and Abrakebabra in Dublin.

Voting

Forgot about the essentials such as date of the election and paperwork? Someone else will probably remind you. The main concern is being in the zone when you are standing at that ballot box and faced with the biggest decision of your life.

If all the pictures become fuzzy and you can’t tell the difference between the conmen trying to get into the Dáil so they can have a cosy pension and the conmen trying to get into the Dáil so they can have a cosy pension, take a deep breath and calm down.

In real life, looks can be deceiving, but this isn’t real life, this is politics. Look at them all closely and decide which are the sexiest candidates, rank them in relevant order and if there is a tie-breaker, vote Fianna Fáil.

Options

You could follow the crowd and vote out the old government, but why not try and be contemporary and ironic for the sake of being a dick? By voting for Fianna Fáil, you would instantly boost your friends’ opinion of you and they will all know you as the guy down with current affairs.

Or as previously mentioned, you could look like a dick and lose all your friends. They would look at you in disgust and see you as an object that personifies their father’s shame at being sacked from his job. They could also blame you for the resulting breadline existence which sees them living out of Lidl’s expiry date 90 per cent sales.

There is no right answer to the political upheaval we are about to throw ourselves into. Maybe one last piece of advice O-two can give is for you all to listen to what those poor politicians that will be standing on your doorstep in the coming weeks have to say. And remember, a vote for Fine Gael is a vote for change. More importantly, a vote for Fine Gael is a vote for cows grazing in St. Stephen’s Green.

Policritical questions

O-two gives you three questions to ask those needy politicians on your doorstep

  • On a scale of Karl Marx to Sarah Palin, where do you fall politically?
  • Place these issues in relevant political importance. A) The Gay Agenda B) Home Rule and C) Anglo Irish Easter bonuses.
  • The Fine Gael person brought a muffin; I assume you have a muffin too?
  • What is your opinion on the Eugenics wars?
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