Mystic Mittens knows what you did at the Halloween Ball. She also knows who you did it with. Embarassing.
Scorpio (October 23- November 22)
Although most fashion magazines say the natural look is in this winter, it is not recommended for you, my dear. The world is not quite really for you to unleash the ghostly green glow of your ‘natural face’.
Aquarius (January 21-Febuary 19)
The magical mystery tour took a not-so magical turn… and so did your stomach. Never fear, however, it will transpire that the guy who held back your hair is a vomit fetishist. A long and happy relationship will ensue.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
The seductive swirls of the Roebuck Hall washing machine prove too much to resist as you clamour into its warm and loving insides. The urge to press the ‘on’ button proves too much for your flatmate to resist.
Aries (March 21- April 20)
With a dingy, miniscule apartment, it initially appeared that your bachelor’s pad was not too impressive. Although you can’t swing a cat, you shall impress the ladies by how far you can catapult them through the window. That tabby was my uncle. I will have my vengeance.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Your days of espionage will come to an end when your patented solar panelled night-vision goggles fail to detect Eastern European villains stealing nuclear warheads from the Science Building. Oh well, there is always primary school teaching.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
With Venus acting as a guiding influence, romance fills your fortnight. A burning sensation will fill the fortnight after, as romance with an Ents roadie is never a clever idea.
Cancer (June 22-July 21)
You will find acceptance in your workplace at long last. With the introduction of ‘Pirate Tuesdays’ at work, everyone will want to know the secrets of your squint, comedic limp and how you train your parrot.
Leo (July 22- August 23)
Your compulsive lying was funny at first, but now, the stars predict it will land you in real trouble. Just because the fairies in your head told you it was true, doesn’t mean it is, sweetheart. Why don’t you just tottle back to Never Never-happened land?
Virgo (August 24- September 22)
Although they say curiosity killed the cat, the cat will almost certainly kill you if you don’t stop staring at me in my litter tray.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
Your medical condition will not subside despite a team of doctors repeatedly bashing it with mallets and spraying it with fire extinguishers.
Sagittarius (November 23- December 20)
Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, however after weeks-on-end of your inane gibberish, even God will stop listening.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20)
Your battle against the bulge will grow increasingly violent, as your bulge will try to smother you in the night after you attempt to saw off your determined love handles.