Mystic Mittens' Horoscopes

 
 

The Arts’ Block Cat coughs up a furball of venom or was that your future? Mystic Mittens looks into his crystal ball…

Aquarius
(January 21-Febuary 19)
Jesus, Pluto tells you to clean out that fish bowl. It’s disgusting; they’re swimming in their own poo.

Pisces
(February 20- March 20)
No! No! No! Jupiter said DON’T stomp the puppy! What a sticky mess. Karma is going to get you good.

Aries
(March 21- April 20)
Combining an electric egg whisk and a cocktail of the morning after pill and haemorrhoid cream, you will solve the riddle of time-travel and win first prize in the county fair.

Taurus
(April 21 – May 21)
Successfully putting your knob into a beer can and removing it unscathed will not be the lady-attracting party trick that you thought it will be.

Gemini
(May 22 – June 21)
Your girlfriend doesn’t cry because she’s drunk. She cries because you are hideously uncouth and studying computer science.

Cancer
(June 22-July 21)
With an intense regime of chemotherapy, we will finally… finally get rid of you for good. It was worth testing on those bunnies.

Leo
(July 22- August 23)
The love of one man and his mini-vac is not understood by many people, just those who prescribe to your website.

Virgo
(August 24- September 22)
Mars will rule your fortunes this fortnight. Mars is a sadistic wanker so you’re pretty much bollocked. Pretty funny for the rest of us, though.

Libra
(September 23- October 22)
A healthy crust is just a sign that you are becoming a man. It can be used as hieroglyphics of the future. A long-overdue power hose awaits you.

Scorpio
(October 23- November 22)
You’re a bit like Dame Judy Dench… Nobody wants to have sex with you.

Sagittarius
(November 23- December 20)
Look closer into signs in your life. The vomit splatters on your toilet bowl for example, will spell out that mixing Goldslagger with crushing rejection will be a decision you regret.

Capricorn
(December 21- January 20)
After winning a starring role in the latest Kate Hudson romantic comedy, you will find yourself more and more drawn to ledges of high buildings. I’m no one to say you reap what you sow, but…

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