Mystic Mittens – Horoscopes

 
 

Your future chartered by the Arts Block Cat; not such a Merry Christmas.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
As Mars moves into Uranus, your immaturity will erect a number of difficulties for you and your fellow organisms. Your titillation by N11 underpasses will see you come abreast with Dick Magee, who will cure your desire to make in-your-end-os. Period.

Aquarius (January 21- Febuary 19)
Putting Smarties tubes on cats’ legs to make them walk like a robot may seem funny to you, but when I finally get them off, I will drain your eyeballs with my claw and pass them around as a cure for constipation.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
Your Christmas party fun will be hindered when you are forced to sterilise the photocopier after a disputed game of ‘arse or elbow’ requires photographic evidence for the judging panel. But hey, at least you have a convincingly elbow-like arse!

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
After always feeling second best, this fortnight, the spotlight is all on you as you are solely credited for the smell in the lecture hall, increasing your hopes for gold in the 2010 Fart Olympics.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
You’re the type of person that visits hospitals just for kicks, so it’s good news for you this fortnight, as that angry mob will finally catch you and you will need extensive burns treatment. And they say Christmas come but once a year!

Gemini May 22 – June 21)
You will discover that the combination of pepperspray and a net will finally make that dreamy Roebuck boy yours. Just make sure there are no holes in the net this time, that Ents officer sure was a fast runner….

Cancer (June 22 – July 21)
It is ironic that your zodiac symbol, the crab, is also the prognosis of that STI screening.

Leo (July 22 – August 23)
The oft-quoth warning about forks in plug sockets gains a more pressing reality for you this week as you attempt to pry a noodle from its electric layer.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Posing seductively in a whipped cream bikini will all seem very sexy until an unseasonal swarm of bees intervene. Oh well, you and Rover can just have a candle light herbal bath instead.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
After disappointing sales for tickets to your gun show, and even less enthusiasm for the party in your pants, you decide to stop stealing your humour from films and rely on your own wit. After many awkward silences and blowing tumbleweeds, you will just start copying Superbad instead.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 20)
Your family’s Christmas game of charades will never be the same after you attempt to act out 2 Girls One Cup, and your granny gets it straight away. Perhaps Monopoly is a less controversial activity.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20)
On the fifth floor of the library, you will be free to engage in the love that dare not speak its name. However, be warned! Librocop does frequent patrols around there and if he sees you with that atlas again, there will be trouble.

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