Mystic Mittens – Horoscopes


The Arts Block cat gazes into her crystal ball, and its not a pretty picture…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The balancing scales of Libra will be worked into overtime after your one night stand with an ice-cream tub becomes a full-blown, committed love affair. Ice cream will never leave you.

Aquarius (January 21- Febuary 19)
You finally made it! After years of the bigger boys mocking your stupid name, you’ve risen to be the most popular guy in school! All eyes are on you! All the babes can’t get enough of you! And then you wake up…

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
You will find yourself being the centre of attention of a host of cute doctors, captivating them by being the first virgin to catch eight different strains of genital warts. You medical marvel you!

Aries (March 21- April 20)
Your parents, teachers and peers will be shocked and surprised to see that after all the years of training, your life’s ambition is realised. Having chased it since the age of ten, you finally catch your tail.

Taurus (April 21- May 21)
Your worries about the girl you fell for at the Freshers’ Ball not talking to you will be put to rest as she seeks you out from the other guys… in a police line-up. What you call flirting, the Gardaí call ‘attempted rape’.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Stop that! Seriously, you’ll go blind… Save it for Valentine’s Night, trust me, you’ll need something to cheer you up.

Cancer (June 22 – July 21)
The shadow from the sun on Jupiter confirms the signs that you have been sensing for some time. The green man does mean go. The red man means stop. But , do us all a favour and throw caution to the wind go against your instincts.

Leo (July 22 – August 23)
In a confined social setting, you will find yourself resorting to the only romantic companion you can. Jesus, I know you’re desperate, but…. Really? I’ve had fleas with more charm.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
The stars collide to reveal that your best friend is your perfect match. Smart, sensitive, a great listener and plays a mean game of fetch. You and Rover will be very happy together.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
A surprise visit will alter the current atmosphere in your Belgrove flat. Incontinency is always a conversation starter. You’ll think twice before eating in that Indian again.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 20)
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. You… well, scientific testing will prove inconclusive. Still, that enlarged cranium, those large, piercing eyes and those stunted limbs means with a bit of green face-paint, you’ve got Halloween sorted.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20)
Don’t think I can’t see you, staring at me over the booths in the Arts Café, from behind the shelves in the library… I see your reflection in my saucer of milk. We’ve been over this, I am a cat, and you are revolting.