I’ll whip out my balls for your enjoyment. That is, my crystal balls…
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
You will fall down a medium-sized flight of stairs on Thursday.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
A wonderful surprise awaits you this week. It’s in your left ear.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
If it rhymes, it’s true.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
So, the Science Block is undergoing large-scale renovations? Might want to take a leaf out of its book, missus.
Leo (July 24 – August 23)
You will start going grey this fortnight. Mittens recommends you leave the hat on.
Virgo (August 24 – September 23)
Meow meow meow. I’m a talking cat. Big fucking deal.
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
It would be prudent for you to start practising writing with your left hand. No urgency though – you still have a couple of weeks left.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
My, what pretty little fingers you have. It’s a pity that you only use them to pick you nose.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
Here’s a prediction for you: if I was running a charity fundraiser for Haiti, you know what I’d have? Not a slave auction, anyway. Way to go, PMCSA.
Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)
For you, the quickest route to true satisfaction is buying an iPad. Sadly for you, they’re months away.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
It is probable that you will receive a gift of some sort in the next few weeks, possibly enclosed in a sort of brightly coloured paper. I know this sounds pretty crazy, but, hey, it could happen.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
“Aagh! A talking cat!” This is definitely what you thought when you first started reading my predicitons.