How can I predict the future? I’m a cat – a talking cat – so STFU.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
As Mars enters Venus’s orbit your thoughts will turn to how badly you performed in your exams. Don’t bother checking your results.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
I know you think you’re beautiful, but really you’ve just spent too much time hanging around with ugly people and taking too much acid. This month will bring realisation to your life.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
I told Santa to put you on the naughty list.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
Talk to the ugly friend for once. You’ll be surprised how much money they’re willing to fork out just because you’re giving them attention.
Leo (July 22 – August 23)
Stop trying to make that catchphrase happen, people will start throwing things at you – sharp things.
Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Wash your clothes, you filthy bastard.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
And did you like Fantastic Mr Fox?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
This month you will discover why that Dell Laptop was so cheap. Writing complaints won’t do anything either, because technically the company doesn’t really exist.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 20)
You will be completely broke if you keep spending your money on that thing you call your other half. Maybe prostitution will help your financial woes.
Capricorn (December 21 – January 20)
Trust me. You really don’t want to know what your future beholds. It involves the colour brown and a public space. In other words, be wary of people offering you gifts.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Just because it was on sale, that doesn’t necessarily mean that both sleeves will be the same size.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
When he breaks up with you – and he will – ask him to marry you. Men love commitment.