Mystic Mittens

 
 

Before Mittens heads off on holiday for some feline fun, she’s here one last time to reveal her summer predictions

Aries

April 19th – May 13th

You should avoid the Balkans, i.e. yeast infection central, while InterRailing.

Taurus

May 14th – June 21st

Here, stop pretending that you will continue to read or write in any capacity this summer and save yourself a lot of guilt.

Gemini

June 22nd – July 20th

I foresee a few games of football, some lolling about on the beach, romances based on the mass consumption of 99s… Oh wait, no, there’s rain; lots and lots of rain. Disregard everything I just predicted, Gemini, and pack a brolly.

Cancer

July 21st – August 10th

Cancer. Man, that’s an unfortunate name.

Leo

August 11th – September 16th

Once you get past these exams, the world will be your oyster. It’s a shame you’ll discover that nasty allergy you have to them in June.

Virgo

September 17th – October 30th

Best. Summer. Ever. You’ll meet a guy as he’s splashing around in the ocean and enjoy a whirlwind romance, before you transfer to his educational institute next semester and have to undergo a makeover to win his heart. Oh no, that’s Grease; that’s definitely Grease.

Libra

October 31st – November 23rd

You’ll probably rewatch The OC at some point in lieu of beach-adjacent romantic shenanigans and young person angst.

Scorpio

November 24th – November 29th

You have never, nor will you ever, tan. Your skin shade this summer lies somewhere between a rich fuchsia and danger red.

Ophiuchus

November 30th – December 17th

You will die. How? I don’t care.

Sagittarius

December 18th – January 20th

Your holiday to some non-descript Greek/Spanish island will end in financial ruin and a miraculous boating accident.

Capricorn

January 21st – February 16th

You’ll get a job and end up asking yourself ‘what summer?’

Aquarius

February 17th – March 11th

You won’t get a job and find yourself with no money to fund your summer, and ask yourself ‘what summer’?

Pisces

March 12th – April 18th

Watch out for European sex traffickers, not the most savoury of folk.

Advertisements