Aries (April 19th – May 13th)
You will find a tenner. Leave it there and see what happens.
Taurus (May 14th – June 21st)
The stars are aligning for you this fortnight; you might actually make it to one of your 9am lectures, and there’s a free bag of Walkers Sensations on the horizon.
Your obsession with bass will lead you to the inaugural dubstep festival for fishermen.
Cancer (July 21st – August 10th)
You will be offered a lump sum to dispose of a certain masculinity columnist in a clean and discrete manner. Watch out, ‘cause he’s got some moxy.
Leo (August 11th – September 16th)
As Venus descends, you will develop a weird obsession with Wolf from Gladiators.
Virgo (September 17th – October 30th)
Your grandmother will choke on her fish starter at an upcoming family dinner, so it’d be best for you to brush on your Heimlich Manoeuvre, but only if you hate being bequeathed large inheritances.
Libra (October 31st – November 23rd)
You will click the ‘random page’ link on Wikipedia and will be nonplussed by the outcome. In other news, you will run out of ways to procrastinate.
Scorpio (November 24th – November 29th)
That dream of having your own emu farm will become a reality, but there’ll be highs, lows and bird-flu outbreaks along the way.
Ophiuchus (November 30th – December 17th)
Are you still here? Well, pack your brass knuckle and get ready for a beating from the cosmos this week. I’m talking broken jaws and shit.
Sagittarius (December 18th – January 20th)
Bloomsday was four months ago, so get rid of the ‘ashplant’ and stop pretending you’ve read Ulysses.
Capricorn (January 21st – February 16th)
You will be sent a hat in the post. You should wear it, it’ll perfectly cover up that dry scalp problem you’ve been having.
Aquarius (February 17th – March 11th)
Your musical based on the fourth season of Star Trek: The Next Generation will finally get off the ground. However, the actor playing Picard will refuse to shave his glorious mullet off.
Pisces (March 12th – April 18th)
Beware of manholes as you read this, they’re full of men.