Aries (March 21-April 20)
As Venus moves into a new moon, so too will your fortnight be a period of change. Ha… period! Gross.
Taurus (April 21- May 21)
The stars inspire you to take initiative this fortnight by starting a militant fascist group to usurp the Students’ Union sabbatical officers. No one will notice.
Gemini (May 22- June 22)
Writing on the walls says that something new and exciting will happen to you. The writing on the bathroom walls will indicate from personal experience that this will be gonorrhea.
Cancer (June 22- July 21)
Regardless of what your girlfriend says, a candlelit game of naked Twister will most definitely hinder, and certainly not help, spice up your sex life.
Leo (July 22-August 23)
Woah, you’re halfway there – living on a prayer! Now just put the body in the hole and we’ll never mention it again.
Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
I lick myself to keep clean, what’s your excuse, weirdo? Blow-up doll not tender enough for you?
Libra (September 23- October 22)
A new love interest will leave you feeling higher than Glenda Gilson’s forehead, however, looks can be deceiving and so too can Wonder Bras and seemingly female genitlia.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)
You will get yourself into a sticky situation when there is an explosion at the marmalade factory. Now you will have a socially acceptable reason for getting your dog to lick you all over.
Sagittarius (November 23- December 20)
Sharing is caring so bogarting the toilet paper at that house party to make a mummy suit will not earn you friends.
Capricorn (December 21- January 20)
It is somewhat interesting that a goat is both your zodiac sign but also your future love interest. At least the goat can grow facial hair, not like your last boyfriend.
Aquarius (January 21- February 19)
Your love life heats up this fortnight as a romance with a pyromaniac sees you walk away with not only second-degree burns, but also a second date. Trust me, I’ve seen the future and this is the best offer you get this year.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
April is the month of showers, so let’s hope you take that on board this fortnight, even the flies that surround you are gagging.