Mystic Mittens

 
 

With you students being starved of Mittens’ sage advice for the next couple of months, M&M looks at the constellations and sees what’s in store

Aries (18 April-13 May)

That J2 to Mexico to work, as a cleaner will see you bring back more than you bargained for. FYI, abortions are cheaper in the British Channel, so just wait until you’re home.

Taurus (13 May-21 June)

You’ve already paid for the flights to Fukushima and admittedly the hotel that you booked may not exist anymore, but why let some flooding and isotopes put you off?

Gemini (21 June-20 July)

Gemini’s are habitual stay-at-homers for the summer months and rarely commit to travelling further than the nearest store that sells Tesco vodka.

Cancer (20 July-10 Aug)

You and Rebecca Black share the same star sign. You couldn’t go far wrong by living for every Friday like she does.

Leo (10 Aug-16 Sep)

It’s truly amazing to think that over the summer you’ll become a millionaire for writing the hit pop song of the summer, but by September 8th you won’t be able to afford SU coffee.

Virgo (16 Sep-30 Oct)

On the face of it, inter-railing looks like great fun. See lots of cities, meet lots of people, have fun with your friends, sleep in public parks, lose a finger, get sold as a sex slave…

Libra (30 Oct-23 Nov)

Libras are infamous for their sense of adventure – a trait that often lands them in troubled waters, emphasis on the water.

Scorpio (23 Nov-29 Nov)

You will go in search of the famous beach in Thailand. Unfortunately, Leonardo DiCaprio won’t be there, but the drug dealers with guns will be.

Ophiuchus: (29 Nov-17 Dec)

Mittens is still struggling to completely accepts you into the Zodiac clique.

Sagittarius (17 Dec-20 Jan)

“Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong” should be enough lingo to make sure you get by in Asia.

Capricorn (20 Jan-16 Feb)

Sharing is caring, so bogarting the toilet paper at that in the Romanian youth hostel to make a mummy suit will not earn you friends.

Aquarius (16 Feb-11 March)

As Venus moves into a new moon, so your migration will cause a period of change too. Ha… period! Gross.

Pisces (11 March-18 April)

Ditch the bitch during your travels. Draw in the anchor for your Eastern European sex binge.

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