Meow meow, bang bang, Mittens is more caustic than ever this fortnight
Aries (18 April-13 May)
Imagine your life is a box. Now take all your troubles, worries and fears and place them into the box. Basically, what I’m saying is you need to move out.
They say when life gives you lemons; make lemonade. You should try sticking them up your top to make your boobs look bigger.
Gemini (21 June-20 July)
This fortnight will be full of setbacks – Your favourite jeans will get bleach on them, a bird will crap on your hair and you will lose an election to a fictional character.
Cancer (20 July-10 Aug)
It’s important not to procrastinate, to seize the day and… Ugh, I’m too tired; I’ll finish your horoscope tomorrow.
Leo (10 Aug-16 Sep)
That new jumper doesn’t suit you at all, despite what your mum said. Create a bonfire to keep yourself warm instead.
Virgo (16 Sep-30 Oct)
Your work will go unappreciated. This problem isn’t for the fortnight; it is forever. Welcome to adulthood.
Libra (30 Oct-23 Nov)
This will be a time of love for you. Someone you haven’t met yet cares for you deeply and is watching you. Forever watching.
Scorpio (23 Nov-29 Nov)
Your aggressive nature is strong this fortnight, so be careful. Someone’s going to notice the bodies eventually.
Ophiuchus: (29 Nov-17 Dec)
The essays are starting to pile up now. A day in the library will serve you well. No, no, it’s near the Arts block. That’s the bar, other side. Just… never mind.
Sagittarius (17 Dec-20 Jan)
The alignment of Venus suggest that you have improbable beliefs
Capricorn (20 Jan-16 Feb)
I have to say, your horoscope isn’t looking good today, but for the right incentive I could *ahem* look again…
Aquarius (16 Feb-11 March
The Moon in Aquarius today conjuncts Pluto and sextiles Venus. I hope that makes things clearer.
Pisces (11 March-18 April)
For luck, wear flowers in your hair. Oh wait, not luck… wasps, I was thinking of wasps.