Ceiling Mittens is watching your future
This week, buy some lottery tickets. Next week, scratch cards. With any luck, by the end of term you will have a full-blown gambling addiction.
Taurus (14 May-21 June)
If you ask someone a question that seems deep and complicated, you are probably trying to get into that person’s pants. Romance tip: just get them drunk.
Gemini (22 June-20 July)
You will be the victim of a scam this fortnight. For more details, send your account number and mother’s maiden name to email@example.com
Cancer (21 July-10 August)
You received four Valentine’s Day cards yesterday, you foxy thing! Unfortunately, they were all from your mum, trying to make you feel better.
Leo (11 August-16 September)
It’s important to live in the present. You create fewer paradoxes that way.
Virgo (17 September-30 October)
You have 4.2 days left to clean the kitchen before your flatmates start putting the dishes in your bed.
Libra (31 October-23 November)
Now is the perfect time to ask out that guy or girl you’ve had your eye on. Just after Valentine’s Day you not only have the element of surprise, but also some bargain bin roses to woo them with.
Scorpio (24 November-29 November)
Scorpios are now only down to six measly days of existence. You must breed in order to survive! I’m pretty sure that’s how star signs work.
Ophiuchus: (30 November-17 December)
You’re so indie even your star sign isn’t mainstream. This fortnight ditch the clear glass nerd specs and start using crutches. SO cool.
Sagittarius (18 December-20 January)
The next few weeks are going to be special even by your high standards. And by special, I mean “special”.
Capricorn (21 January-16 February)
That beard isn’t fooling anyone. Be proud; embrace your lack of neck.
Aquarius (17 February-11 March)
You may find yourself plagued with self-doubt this fortnight. Trust yourself. I mean, yeah you’re not that smart and you’re kind of ugly but it probably won’t go that badly.
Pisces (12 March-18 April)
The code word is “Nihilarian”. You know what to do.