Embrace the new Zodiac signs because Mittens says so
Aries (18 April-13 May)
You escaped with a grazed knee last time, but the next car collision may make a sizable dent in your health insurance.
Taurus (13 May-21 June)
Those taurens who have jumped ship to Gemini were dragging the whole star sign down. You are now perfect.
Gemini (21 June-20 July)
Read between the lines and you will get to the bottom of why your Elements coffee smells like piss.
Cancer (20 July-10 Aug)
You think you should be in a relationship, but that picking-your-nose-and-eating-its-contents combo tends to be a deal breaker.
Leo (10 Aug-16 Sep)
Your new hairstyle is a portal into your soul and mental well-being, and damn do you look messed up.
Virgo (16 Sep-30 Oct)
The only thing as infectious as that smile of yours is the chlamydia inhabiting every sexual hole you have.
Libra (30 Oct-23 Nov)
Consider sleeping in the bath until the bed-wetting subsides.
Scorpio (23 Nov-29 Nov)
Stardom will come in the form of Road Safety Authority using images of your car accident in their next national ad campaign.
Ophiuchus: (29 Nov-17 Dec)
Welcome to the Zodiac club. Common traits of an Ophiuchus include a tendency towards strange fetishes and chronic procrastination.
Sagittarius (17 Dec-20 Jan)
You think you and your partner are on the same wavelength, but one of you is trying for a baby.
Capricorn (20 Jan-16 Feb)
Making friends is tough, but do you know what isn’t: showering!
Aquarius (16 Feb-11 March)
Dumping 101: Look them in the eyes and tell them they’re getting fat. Simplez.
Pisces (11 March-18 April)
Fourteen is the magic number. Once you hit that quota, it’s time to visit the clinic again.