Fuck you Enda and your Honda Civic. Mystic Mittens is down to five lives after that collision
You have flung around that invisible axe of power pretty convincingly so far. What happens when you’re caught out? Even Mittens doesn’t know.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You think you’ve passed all your exams, but those provisional Ds will quickly turn into permanent non-compensatable Es.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you got a nickel for every time you get robbed in the next two weeks, you’d have one nickel. You will still suffer from 18 knifepoint incidences. Think about it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Turkey leg, turkey breast, turkey sandwiches, turkey stew, turkey soup, turkey curry and turkey couscous equals turkey belly.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Cop on, life isn’t a Disney movie and you won’t get the girl/boy. Anyway, Leo-to-Leo procreation breeds colour blind children and feminazis.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you try and add that thing you pulled on Black Monday to your notchless belt, you’ve hit rock bottom.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
That ticking time bomb you left in Auntie Nora will come back to haunt you. An eight-fingered baby born in August raises many questions.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You can’t hide your weight behind facial hair forever. (This horoscope is not male specific).
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After binging yourself on sweets that come by the tin load, the tapeworm in your belly is now fat, like you!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Yet another year of Christbirthdaymas presents coagulate into one. Get revenge that lies outside the boundaries of the laws!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re scared of change? Well change is scared of you!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your nickname as the “bunny suicide murderer” will catch on eventually. Don’t try and force it.