The recent stormy weather has somewhat skewed Mittens’ Zodiac forecasts, yet also made them more accurate.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are in for some McLovin’ this week.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The cloudy forecast made it difficult to talk to Mars and Venus. Mittens has no advice this week.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You invented the cure to cancer last week, it’s somewhere in the bottom of your septic tank.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean UCD aren’t after you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Go for it! Your friend can’t get angry if they don’t know you sleep with their potential husband.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You think you’re so clever, but everyone has already started their Christmas shopping.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will win an FM104 competition for tickets to the royal wedding. In the interests of safety, don’t go!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Send chocolates this time. No one likes to eat plants.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
All your luck will come at once and fall in the shape of a grand piano.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your negligence towards lecture attendance will have a negative correlation to exam performance.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You consistently let the side down and are not pulling your weight.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your friend has asked you to read out their horoscope. Make up a lie. Their reality is depressing.
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