Mars is red, Uranus is blue, your future’s bleak, so what do you do? Mystic Mittens explains… sort of
Mars is rising in your house this week, so prepare for a chance encounter with one of the lesser-known members of S Club Juniors. No, not Calvin Goldspink.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I sense a big event coming up with great relevance to you, like a birthday, or perhaps the anniversary of the day you were born. Do not doubt my powers.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’re feeling particularly randy this week, but that’s ok. If not attractive enough to pull, a gentleman’s holiday to finger town will tide you over until Jupiter exits your orbit.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
By the end of the week, you will have developed some sort of superpower. Try eating as many spiders as you can – one of them has to be radioactive.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to take a bold chance. Ask for that raise. Go talk to that classmate you fancy. Your wang isn’t going to stick itself in that plug.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re feeling paranoid this week, but don’t worry – all your friends really are out to get you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Get ready for romance. Look out for a tall, blonde stranger with four acres of land and good road frontage.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The colour hazel will play a big part in the upcoming week. Will it be the eyes of a new lover, or will you find some Nutella in the press? Anything is possible.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You seem to be going from fab to flab, and heading straight for obese. Time to hit the gym and lose some pounds. Jaffa Cakes are not one of your five a day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are on your period. Stay away from bears and small children.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t panic, but if the situation persists for over four hours, you’re supposed to contact a doctor. Just saying.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week you will watch over three hours of X Factor, and then eat.