Music: Write Like Apes

 
 

This fortnight, Pockets examines the bonkers world of celebrity-related conspiracies and shell suits

WITHDRAW MADAM!

After Jim Corr’s colostomy bag of an interview on the Late Late on Friday night, it got me thinking about other “past their prime” celebrities who, rather than falling gracefully from the spotlight, decided to invest their time in the meticulous study of the absurd.

Anybody ever wondered why Robbie Williams really rejoined Take That? He was an extremely successful solo artist, who had at one point achieved the biggest publishing advance the music industry had ever seen, somewhere in the region of £80 million. Was it friendship? Nostalgia? Money? Or Aliens…

It was both money and Aliens to be fair. Robbie had spent much of his fortune on building an observatory in the Nevada Desert to look for the tiny green men who had visited him three times during his lifetime. Rejoining the lads probably seemed like a good idea cash wise. I think he’s saving for a new tinfoil gaff.

Remember the Troggs? Most of our generation probably know them best as being the band that provided ‘Wild Thing’ as entrance music to Charlie Sheen’s character in the Major League movies. Well, Presley also wrote a book in 1990 called Wild Things They Don’t Tell Us in which he poses interesting questions such as…

Did human beings actually walk with the dinosaurs? AND is the world actually controlled by lizards that eat gold?

Enticing stuff, no doubt. His tale goes from to the Old Testament up to 1990 and includes detailed accounts of Moses hanging out with the lizards whilst drafting the ten commandments and God flying around in the spaceship trying to kill all the other Gods because there could only be one.

Another person who buys into this nonsense and probably needs little introduction is David Icke, a former BBC sports commentator and spokesman for the Greens.

Icke holds very similar beliefs to Presley and has been the culprit of the most bizarre behaviour I’ve come across.

The Turquoise period: In 1991, he began to only wear turquoise because he believed it channelled positive energy.

The Terry Wogan interview: In which David claimed to be the Son of God. This is priceless viewing. If you haven’t seen it, watch it now.

The Lizards and the Jews: A Channel 4 documentary on Icke following him around Canada as he sought to present his views on lizards ruling the world. The Jewish community went up in arms over a fear that Icke actually meant Jew every time he said lizard. The documentary went on the pose the question: “Was Icke an absolute racist? Or just a total muppet?”

With all this talk of climate change denial, Holocaust denying, Moses hanging out with lizards, God rocking around in a spaceship, Robbie Williams’ ‘Angels’ possibly being code for aliens and turquoise shell suits being, in fact, a positive thing, it makes me wonder what I’m gonna do if the band ever goes tits up.

I was thinking I might dress my dog up in a Santa outfit, sing Christmas carols to him in June and subsist only on a diet of lollipops…oh wait Britney Spears already did that.

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