Music: Shuffle – Songs to Get Off To

 
 

Feeling lonely and unsatisfied on these long cold nights? Grace Murphy provides the perfect playlist for taking matters into your own capable, waiting hands

Alanis Morissette – ‘One Hand In My Pocket’

I’ve always appreciated the creative expressions utilised in this song. ‘Flicking a cigarette’, ‘giving a high five’ and ‘hailing a taxi cab’ are euphemisms to be admired.

DiVinyls – ‘I Touch Myself’

A classic; the ultimate wank anthem. Minimal input needed, with maximum returns.

Michael Jackson – ‘Beat It’

You know you want to. Just don’t think too hard about what you’re doing.

Miley Cyrus – ‘The Climb’

Needs no explanation. Starts off calm and gentle, builds up slowly. Oh so slowly. Then, wait for it, the dramatic key change. Oh yes, oh yes. It’s the climb.

Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin – ‘Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves’

“Standing on their own two feet, ringing their own bells.” Quite the balancing act. I for one am inspired.

Beatfreakz – ‘Superfreak’

Feeling kinky? Run of the mill fap tunes not doing it for you? Me too. Have fun.

The Cure – ‘Pictures Of You’

I find coupling this with one of those suspiciously erotic Marks and Spencer ads is the perfect end to a long, stressful day. Toes will curl.

Eric Carmen – ‘All By Myself’

A ballad to help you through a particularly dry patch. For the more indulgent Allied Irish. Let it all out, dear.

Crystal Swing – ‘She Drinks Tequila’

Not my cup of tea but hey, whatever does it for you. I’m not one to criticise your…tastes. Just don’t come near my family. Creep.

Frightened Rabbit – ‘Good Arms Vs. Bad Arms’

A classic example for the slightly reluctant, self-loathing lover. There there. It’ll be okay. There’s nothing to be afraid of, just be yourself and don’t forget to clean up the mess afterwards.

Metallica – ‘Battery’

Perhaps this one is best reserved for the more experienced self-lover. Careful that thing doesn’t fall off. They call it flicking for a reason.

Caesars – ‘Jerk It Out’

If you are unable to decipher innuendo, this song pretty much spells it out for you.

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