Music: Shuffle – Guilty Pleasures

 
 

Just like voting for candidates in the recent general election, Dan Moriarty’s shuffle of guilty pleasures is such a horrific experience that it must be enjoyed alone

‘NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP’ – RICK ASTLEY

It is never going to let you down. This catchy ditty, released in 1987, was the culmination of a decade of bad and cheesy music. Even your parents are likely to snigger if they burst in and catch you ‘ricking’ out to this.

‘TUB THUMPING’ – CHUMBAWUMBA

No, I’m not quite sure what it is to tub thump either. No, I’m not quite sure what this song is about. No, I’m not quite sure if it is really any good at all and no, I’m also not quite sure if I’ll ever stop dancing to it.

‘PARTY IN THE USA’ – MILEY CYRUS

It would have been churlish to expect a masterpiece from the spawn of Billy Ray but Miley, who is in fact named after the Glenroe character, gave us all something to simultaneously roll our eyes at and secretly love in 2009.

‘LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER’ – BON JOVI

Written by Desmond Child, who was recommended by KISS front man Paul Stanley, this was never going to have any great artistic merit. Allied with the leather pants of Jon Bon Jovi, this song is a guilty pleasure that requires annual giving up for lent in order to cleanse oneself.

‘RIGHT ROUND’ – FLO RIDA (FT KESHA)

Not content with splitting the state of Florida to form his entry for pun of the decade, Mr Rida introduced Kesha to the music world. This deep and moving composition details the head-spinning ecstasy of oral sex.

‘I’M TOO SEXY’ – RIGHT SAID FRED

Don’t worry dear reader, O-two has also put it on and undressed slowly in front of the mirror. The song is a perfect pick-me-up after a lonely inebriated walk home from a night out. It combines overt sexuality with a moment of emotional tenderness in the lyric ‘Too sexy for my shirt, so sexy that it hurts’.

‘(EVERYTHING I DO) I DO IT FOR YOU’ – BRYAN ADAMS

Astonishingly enough, this kept ‘I’m Too Sexy’ off the UK number one spot in 1992. ‘You know it’s true, everything I do, I do it or you’, O-two is merely embittered that no lover has held it close and quoted these magical lines in its ears.

‘WHAT’S UP?’ – FOUR NON BLONDES

Despite cunningly utilising the name of their band to criticise the hair colour of ABBA, they produced a record that was corny and painful yet demanded a furtive click of the repeat button. Imitation truly is the sincerest form of flattery.

‘WANNABE’ – THE SPICE GIRLS

The golden raspberry toting beauties released this timeless classic in 1996, using the words ‘really’ and ‘wanna’ nearly 400 times to build the tension. Posh waits until we are rubbing our sweaty palms together in agonising desperation before revealing that she ‘really wanna zigazig ha’. Could this be the name of her unborn fourth child?

ANYTHING – ABBA

The movie Mamma Mia was released 25 years after ABBA broke up. Charged with reminding the general public of a great evil, director Phyllida Lloyd and screenwriter Catherine Johnson have since both appeared before the International Criminal Court in The Hague for crimes against humanity. The jury is still out on that one.

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