After spending the past fortnight lolling about on the sofa watching repeats of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Mittens’ parents told her to get back to work, so here she is


April 19th – May 13th

This week, you will find an old Goosebumps novel in the second hand bookshop. You will also discover that they do not stand up.


May 14th – June 21st

Remember, your choice of animal hat is not as important as getting to your medieval literature exam on time. Chaucer waits for no man.


June 22nd – July 20th

Prepare for the unexpected, as a beloved family pet’s funeral takes a sexy turn.


July 21st – August 10th

Of course you’re more talented than all The X Factor contestants combined. That’s why you’re sat in front of the TV on a Saturday night, gorging yourself on cheesy blasters.


August 11th – September 16th

Relax, the fact that you’ve completed Skyrim multiple times is sure to make you irresistible to whoever you have your eye on.


September 17th – October 30th

Even though you’ve been wishing for snow and the big man upstairs owes you one, you should still revise.


October 31st – November 23rd

As Mercury begins to splangulate, get ready to hear to some made-up words.


November 24th – November 29th

Remember that Garda you pissed on during the protests? Well, he’s found your details and he’s not happy.


November 30th – December 17th

Your attempt at watching the entirety of The West Wing is hardly timely and will only be marginally helpful in preparing you for your politics exams.


December 18th – January 20th

Online dating: I’m afraid it’s the way to go.


January 21st – February 16th

Beware of bottles of water with a human finger floating in it – nothing supernatural here, just sound advice.


February 17th – March 11th

So, you haven’t gotten the shift in a while, but brighter skies are on the horizon. I hear the announcer at the UCD exams is single and lookin’.


March 12th – April 18th