Mittens isn’t feeling particularly clairvoyant this week, but sure, she’ll give it a go anyway


April 19th – May 13th

It is time to put the selection box down and wear something other than pyjamas. I cannot guarantee your self-esteem otherwise.


May 14th – June 21st

Be wary of that girl with the lazy eye, she has poor vision, but she also has a pretty gnarly pickaxe collection.


June 22nd – July 20th

I am a cat; I’m supposed to lick myself for days on end. You are not.


July 21st – August 10th

Diets and resolutions are clearly not your thing; it may be gastric band time.


August 11th – September 16th

Leo, rub my belly or else I’ll tell the cosmos to get after you this year. Abuse of power? What of it? I run this shit.


September 17th – October 30th

What will you and Steve Kean have in common soon? That’s right: baldness. Also, you’re both very unpopular. Football reference.


October 31st – November 23rd

That 2012 apocalypse could come at any time, so you might as well aim for that Black Semester. Your module co-ordinators will understand.


November 24th – November 29th

You might win a small amount on a scratch card or you might not, it’s hard to tell.

Either way though, you’re still poor, so ha!


November 30th – December 17th

Ophiuchus, I see great success and fortune in your future. Just kidding, you’re not even a real star sign. Do you even go here?


December 18th – January 20th

Your New Year’s resolution went down in flames quickly enough, as will your latest attempts at learning to cook.


January 21st – February 16th

You can reduce those bus fares just by standing next to the driver and staring intently at him for a prolonged amount of time. Trust me.


February 17th – March 11th

Just saw The Guard. It’s a good film; I think you’d like it.


March 12th – April 18th

Back to college, full of optimism and zeal, you wanna keep this feeling going, right?

Well, don’t look at your results. Good luck this semester!