Our chocolate-eater in residence, Eoin Brady, provides the definitive list of the best chocolate bars currently available in the universe.
We like chocolate. For some of us, it’s because of the way it tends to liberates stuffy French villages and attract swarthy Irish gypsies played by Johnny Depp. For silly people, it’s because of its purported ability to stave off heart disease. For the rest of us, it’s the way shiny, colourful packaging and a diabetes-inducing short-term sugar rush combine to outweigh everything our university-level educations have taught us about marketing and nutrition.
So, with all these different criteria, how should one rank chocolate bars to get the most realistic, informative and objective list possible? Arbitrarily, that’s how.
Crunchie acquires its treasured position in the top five not so much on the basis of its merits, but simply because of the urgent societal need for it to be discussed. What is it? “A golden honeycomb centre?” Do you mean to tell me that there are people in big white boiler-suit-and-burka ensembles depriving honest bees of their homes in order to satisfy my confectionary whim?
4. Oh Henry!
The name of this peanut, caramel and fudge creation fails to raise eyebrows in the US, where it remains quite popular. The strangeness of that reminds us that we’re separated from them by so much more than 1500 miles of ocean.
Carefully bite off the opposing corners. Place one corner in a cup of tea. Place your mouth around the other corner. Suck the tea through the bar. Bite the bar. Understand why Penguin is the third-most important bar in history.
2. Creme Egg
By this point, something tasteful and mature should probably have appeared on the list – Green & Black’s 70% would have been appropriate – however, that would just be dishonest. If you want to be tasteful and mature, go to the theatre. If you want deliciousness swaddled in delightfulness, eat a Creme Egg.
1. Hershey’s Peanut Butter Cups
In the conservative, repressive society in which we live, numerous unjustifiable taboos persist. Foremost of these is the dogma that states that salty and sweet foods should not be mixed. By enjoying a Peanut Butter Cup, you are not only doing the most fun thing possible in a newsagents, but you are also striking a blow for modernity and progress.