Stephen Allen looks at the worst winners of film’s most prestigious awards
10. Best Actress – Hilary Swank
She may be popular but it doesn’t excuse the fact that she has played the same character in every movie. “Hooray, I’m a complete person!” (Tragic death in 10, 9….)
9. Best Original Song: ‘I just called to say I love you’ from The Woman in Red
8. Best Actress – Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side
Ah, The Blind Side. Blind people coming together and making a movie. What? They weren’t blind?! They cast Sandra Bullock and people actually thought she was good?
7. Multiple awards: Ghandi
To paraphrase Ghandi: “Honest disagreement is a good sign of progress”. Well, I disagree with this film winning multiple Oscars. See. And people say I can’t be progressive.
6. Best Writer: Akiva Goldsman for A Beautiful Mind
They should really monitor the careers of the winners of these awards and take them back if they’re really terrible. Once you write Batman and Robin, I think it’s time to give the award back.
5. Best Achievement In Sound: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
“But this didn’t win”, who cares? This crappy Michael Bay film got nominated for an Oscar. What possible good sounds was there in that movie? “Wow! These explosions sound just like explosions!”
4. Best Picture: On The Waterfront
Rear Window was also in the running. Nobody? You chose this over one of Hitchcock’s best movies. I feel like I’m talking to no-one… This is why I need a Time Machine.
3. Best Actor: Robert Benigni for Life is Beautiful
Did anyone even see this movie? This guy was also the director, which is never a good sign. Yet, he won. I’m beginning to think the Oscars are chosen by sentient wheely bins.
2. Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls
(Slams head) Really?! I mean cardboard doesn’t describe her well enough. (Slams head again) I thought she was a really shouty tree. (Slams head a third time) I may need an ambulance.
1. Best Picture: How Green Was My Valley
Remember this movie? No? Well, here’s a quick review: It wasn’t great. But hey, it’s not as if Citizen Kane was nominated that year. Wait…