Film: Top Ten – New Year’s resolution films

 
 

Feeling a bit too spherical after the Christmas break? Jon Hozier-Byrne presents the top ten films to get you back to your better, svelte self

10. “I will give up cigarettes!” – Thank You For Smoking – Before Aaron Eckhart was Two-Face, he was a spin doctor for Big Tobacco, convincing people they need cigarettes – People like you. You should probably just stop trying.

9. “I will spend more time with friends and family!” – Sophie’s Choice – Best of luck. You know that point when you return home after living on your own for a while, and then your mother asks you to actually do something? The cheek of her. This film will, at least temporarily, guilt you into remembering family are important.

8. “I will meet new people!” – Catfish – New people are weird and should be avoided. Watch this truly great film and realise that I’m right.

7. “I will stop eating junk food!” – Janku Fudo – Thought I was going to say Super Size Me, didn’t you? Well shame on you for having such low expectations. Instead, I have opted for the Japanese crime and drugs drama Junk Food, purely for the name. Because, let’s face it, you’re beyond helping.

6. “I will stop having such reckless and frequent sexual intercourse!” – Young People Fucking – Great work, screenwriters Aaron Abrams and Martin Gero. Bet your moms are super proud.

5. “I will quit drinking!” – Withnail and I – Try the drinking game in which you must drink everything Withnail drinks as he drinks it – by the time he gets to the lighter fluid, you’ll be on the wagon for the long haul.

4. “I will get out of debt!” – Zack and Miri Make a Porno – It worked in the film. That’s all I’m saying.

3. “I will quit all those drugs I’ve been taking, man!” – Harold and Kumar Get the Munchies – You know how long it takes a sober person to go buy fast food? It’s actually a pretty simple process. This film will make you realise the errors of your ways. Or, you could just buy your snacks before you get high, idiots.

2. “I will enjoy myself more!” – Havoc – I interpret this to mean… ahem… that you will enjoy yourself more. In that case, this has Anne Hathaway nude in a sex scene. Thank me later.

1. “I will get in shape!” – Pumping Iron – All January roads lead to the gym, so this taking the top spot was pretty much inevitable. In this bodybuilding documentary, watch a young future governor of California explain how his muscles make him feel like he’s “coming all the time”. Ah, democracy.

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