Stephen Allen exposes the movies that challenge the moral fibres of childhood
So, there’s no place like home because everyone else you meet will be a jerk? Well, at least they’d be a jerk to Elijah Wood, so that I can understand.
This is less ambiguous and more confusing. Just why? What the hell is going on? Why did Michael Jackson turn into a robot?! I’m scared…
Hey, kids, lets talk about racism. I say talk, but what I mean is try to disguise it using animal characters and unsubtle dialogue. Isn’t that what you teach kids?
7. Old Yeller
What’s the point of this movie? To teach you that everything you love will contract rabies and try to kill you, then you prove your manhood by shooting them in the face. Also, love.
6. The Pod People
Trumpy, you can do magic! Trumpy, did you just kill people? Don’t worry, I still love you Trumpy. Wait, what are you doing to my neck?! *crunching sounds*
Yes, Elliot, just let that alien go. It’s not as if his people might want some sort of revenge for the kidnapping and traumatising of one of their young. This is why Independence Day happened.
4. Beauty and the Beast
This is the film that teaches us that Stockholm syndrome is the only true love. Take that Twilight. Also, at least Belle got a library out of the deal.
3. The Wizard of Oz
What’s this? We’re in a strange land, full of magical wonders. Let’s take down the government! Why? Well… the lollipop guild did sing a jaunty tune.
2. Titanic: The Animated Musical
This is the story of one of history’s greatest tragedies. Let’s put a rapping dog and racist mice in it. This is the best disaster ever.
1. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
“But this isn’t out yet.” I don’t care, the moral of this story won’t matter as long as that annoying kid remains on screen, or speaks, or breathes.