Film: Top Ten – Crap Movies

 
 

With our seemingly specially themed ‘bad movie’ film section this issue, Jon Hozier-Byrne looks at the Top Ten Crap Movies

10. Battlefield Earth (2000) “A million monkeys with a million crayons would be hard pressed in a million years to create anything as cretinous as Battlefield Earth.” So the Washington Post described a film written by the man who invented Scientology. Also, it’s got John Travolta in it.

9. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959) – A true crap movie classic. Not only does it almost star Béla Lugosi, it’s got grave-robbing aliens trying to resurrect the dead. Remember my friends, future events, such as these, will affect you… in the future.

8. Showgirls (1995) – Imagine Boogie Nights, but with every good thing about it carefully removed. The film relies so heavily on Saved By The Bell’s Jessie Spano (the feminist one) taking her clothes off, that very little else actually happens in the film. It’s almost as good as Screeched!

7. Wild Hogs (2007) – William H. Macy, Martin Lawrence and Tim Allen in tightly fitting leather acting out a laughable midlife crisis fantasy? Sign me up. Also, it’s got John Travolta in it.

6. Troll 2 (1990) – If you want to see a film that doesn’t actually have a troll in it, then this is the film for you. You might also consider any other film ever made, except Troll 1 and maybe about half of Lord of the Rings.

5. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987) – Your viewing experience might be documented as so; “Hey look, a film adaptation of a children’s playing card game. This must be like Pokémon or something – wait, why does that kid look like that? KILL IT WITH FIRE!”

4. Face/Off (1997) – Nicolas Cage battles John Travolta in an epic fight of good versus evil – but which is which? Who can be trusted? Wait, no one cares, this is Face/Off.

3. Boy Eats Girl (2005) – The list’s only Irish film, this follows Samantha Mumba in her battle to fend off the undead as they try to over-run Terenure and sleep with her. One of the only Irish films to have scenes actually cut out by censors in recent years, and you have to wonder – was the censor too generous?

2. Look Who’s Talking Now (1993) – Inexplicably talking pets? At the very least, Bruce Willis as a talking baby had a sort of twisted logic to it, but this is simply grade-A mental. You’ll never guess who the star was, by the by. I’ll give you a hint; his name rhymes with Ron Bravolta.

1. The Room (2003) – There could only be one. Every line of dialogue is utter gold, every plot hole laughably brilliant. You can’t help but love it and hate it all at once, and much like Lisa, The Room will tear you apart. Oh hai doggy!

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